gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
This would be an excellent week to invest in some nice underwear. Don't ask why, just trust us on this.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
If you insist on believing in stereotypes about how men and women are supposed to be in bed, you may never discover that you love to be on top, or that you could skip the cuddle, or that you can wield a strap-on with grace. Get on a space shuttle and check out Mars for a while. (Vice versa if you're a guy.)

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Work-related events will make you horny this week. Enjoy.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
This week, you'll be more sought after than the hottest new counselor at summer camp, except this time, all your adoring fans are well past (or, at least, just past) the age of consent. Go nuts! Stay cool! Have a great summer, CU in the fall!

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
You'll have trouble getting to second or third base this week, so don't waste your time. Work on yourself instead.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
If you are taking care of someone else's personal business or legal concerns, then you will meet someone with whom you have instant chemistry. If you're not doing this, well then, you're shit out of luck.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Don't use the word "love" unless you mean it. Even if you think you mean it right now, you probably don't.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
This is a much better week to charm the pants off someone figuratively than it is to take them off literally. Restraint should be a value for you this week, not something you use to tie a hottie to the bedpost.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
This week, everything will come easily to you. And somehow, no one will hate you for it. Kind of like Elle Woods in Legally Blonde.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Just as too many cooks in the kitchen spoil the broth, so too many casual lovers on your genitals will spoil your clean bill of health. Don't cook and be safe.