1. If you want to be a sexy woman, lie passively on the floor, with one knee bent, writhing gently but not too much, touching your face a lot and just waiting to be penetrated: see Leona Lewis, Katy Perry, and Delta Goodrem for lessons.

2. Love means never having to be tasteful, smart, or faithful. Nor does it mean having to explain the sock you've stuffed in your pants.

3. Sleeping with Gwen Stefani doesn't guarantee you a decent music video director.

4. When a little girl grows up, the most she should aspire to be is a famous movie star who drives nice cars and has big boobies. We don't care that all the lyric sites say it's "groupies" (not that that's any better), the last line of that Pussycat Dolls chorus is "I wanna have boobies," fer sure. Fuck saving the world, becoming president, curing cancer or ending hunger--being a sex symbol has its nobility.

5. Boys get Botoxed beyond recognition too (see Jordan from Old Kids on the Block for details).