aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Your heart is a muscle, and for argument's sake, let's pretend your genitals are too. If you exercise them properly, they'll become stronger. And everyone knows exercise is an endorphin inducer, an antidepressant and a sexiness promoter. This week, it's time to get physical, like in that Olivia Newton John video, sans the leg warmers.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
We're a little torn this week. On the one hand, the stars tell us that "You won't be satisfied unless you experiment"--but on the other, they warn us that "Living out your fantasies could ruin your relationship." To strap one on or not to strap one on, that is the question. How important is it to you that your sugar-pie dress up like Batman for some superhero sex? Your best bet is--you guessed it--to communicate with your partner (and leaving a "Sex Toys R Us" catalog on their coffee table doesn't count). But don't force the issue--if they're not gung-ho for your "experiment," you'll have to drive your own Batmobile.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
It looks like a checkerboard, but maybe your partner wants to play chess? Maybe they don't even like board games. The only way to find out is to let them make the first move.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Maybe you don't buy all that stuff about how arm-crossing is a sign of defensiveness, avoiding eye contact is a sign of evasiveness and a slap in the face is a sign of slight perturbance. But you really ought to give lip-licking a try this week. Sensual body language will only work in your favor. So the next time you're in the presence of someone you fancy, stroke the stem of your wine glass, playfully touch their forearm as you laugh at their jokes, hold that stare a little longer. Just stop short of drooling and sticking your tongue in their ear.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
It's in the bag, baby. Just say the word, and everything your heart desires will be yours. At least, romantically speaking. When it comes to career success, financial stability and spiritual tranquility, you'll actually have to get off your ass and work for a change.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
It's certainly your prerogative to change your mind on a daily (or even hourly) basis, but you might want to work on your timing: Your indecision is leading to severe cases of blue balls/blue labes all over town. Hell hath no fury like a horny woman scorned, and we're pretty sure the same goes for dudes.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Be nice to your neighbors. And by "neighbors," we don't mean humankind; seriously, be nice the people who literally live next door to you. Don't come on too strong with your love interest--though we should say that as long as you're not a stalker, there really is no such thing as "too strong"--it's kind of like coffee that way. Do some volunteer work, or at least be charitable to the jerks you work with. Get some new hair product; the stuff you're using isn't doing your mane justice. Resist all impulses toward jealousy and green eyeshadow. Add fiber to your diet.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
The stars tell us that the people you attract this week will be "from all walks of life, including those who may already be attached," i.e. freaks and married geeks. Beware of men and women from out of town who loiter at the bar at your local Best Western. And especially beware of local men and women who loiter at the bar at the Best Western in town. In fact, what the hell are you doing hanging around the local Best Western?

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
We've got three words for you this week: quality alone time.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Lately, living with you has been kind of like wearing control-top pantyhose all day long. Ease up a little and work on those control issues, unless you want a dog as your closest companion.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Everyone will want to be by your side this week. Whether or not that might have something to do with the fact that you got front row seats to John Tesh in concert, we can't be sure. But we can guarantee that someone "intriguing" will tell you how he or she feels. Whether or not "intriguing" means they actually have worse taste in music than you, we can't be sure.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
There's a fine line between being generous and being taken advantage of. Aries aren't suckers, so don't be the first. If you find that you're always picking up the tab, buying presents, and supporting someone else's bling bling habit, then either drop the mooch or else send us some cash.