aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Sitting around worrying will not solve all your problems. Neither will yoga. There, we said it: There is such a thing as a problem that yoga can't solve, despite what all the celebrities claim. (And who believes them, anyway? When they say that yoga gives them that special glow, it's just Hollywood code for bulimia, plastic surgery, and a $300 facial.) But anyway, you're too broke for the facial, and too smart for surgery or an eating disorder. So hit the town with some good friends instead; it's twice the therapy and doesn't leave scars or rot your teeth.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Your kindness, consideration, and generosity of spirit are easy pickins for the ruthless, conniving and deceitful. Like a poor little defenseless piggy, you're ripe for becoming some sexy wolf's chew toy. Build a house made of cynicism and paranoia this week; you can always take it down later, once you've made sure your lovers are de-clawed.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Woah, monogamy alert! The stars warn you to seriously reconsider your decision to commit. And it's not someone else who's putting the pressure on you--it's you! So cut yourself some slack, Gem, and have a little fun, why don't you? And if anyone tries to tell you that "your prison is walking through this world all alone," just ask them when's the last time they received really good head.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Do you ever slow down, Cancer? Even just to pee? How is life in the fast lane, anyway? We've always been curious, but we're too friggin' out of shape to find out. You've got so much good stuff going on that everyone wants to be by your side. We hope at least one of them can keep up.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Sometimes love is like basketball and sometimes it's like chess. In fact, if you like analogies as much as we do, love can be like any game we damn well say it is. This week, the stars say to "get out and play the game of love," but they're not specific as to the sport. As long as you're not doing anything that could be classified as bench-sitting (or worse, cheerleading), then you're golden.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
You're softer than Charmin, which is mostly really endearing, but sometimes leads people to act like it's okay to use you to wipe their ass. We know you find it hard to say no, but if you keep up this Mr./Ms. Congeniality act, you'll be knees-deep in a committed relationship before you can say, "Can you spare a square?"

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
You'll be very popular this week. Just don't abuse your power like all the popular kids in high school did. Because everyone knows what happens to them: Eventually, their faces get all puffy like they've been stung by a bee, they try to hang onto their youth by recreating it to a T as quickly as possible with the first candidate who comes along, and then end up living boring, meaningless lives. Man, high school sucked.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Praise big fat Buddha in a diaper, it's finally okay to stop playing hard to get. So clear out your calendar, cancel all those appointments with acquaintances you only see when nothing else is going on--just tell them you're sick, 'cause everyone seems to have a cold right now--and spend some QT with your honey. No need to beat around the bush (or any other body part); just tell them you want to see them. Don't worry, they won't freak. Oh, and for all your single Scorps: We recommend clearing your schedule anyway and renting old John Hughes movies all week. Face it, if you go out, you'll just get sick like everyone else and then you'll be sick and single. Bummer.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Your courage will help you stand out in a crowd this week. Before you go patting yourself on the back or giving yourself a medal of honor, by "courage" the stars could mean you're actually stupid enough to eat a spoonful of wasabi when one of your friends dares you to while you're all out at the local sushi bar this week. Whether noble or retarded, your acts of bravery should at least score you a date with someone who's easily impressed.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Do you ever feel like everyone's getting laid except you? Yeah, well maybe that's because everyone else is putting a little effort in. You can't just sit at home and wait for booty to ring the doorbell. Unless you want to make it with a Jehovah's Witness. And that's just gross, man.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Woo with words this week and keep your underwear on. (And no dirty talking or dry humping either, you bad puppy.) Dazzle with wit and charm, and leave them wondering what you look like naked. But don't let them peek just yet. It's like relationship foreplay.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
There's a fine line between a soulmate and a stalker. Make sure that the person who knows so much about you is using that knowledge for the greater good. If they suddenly bring you flowers, that's a soulmate. If they suddenly know the names, phone numbers, and favorite sexual positions of all your exes, that's stalking.