aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
This is so like you: The person on your romance plate both stimulates and repulses you, kind of like meatloaf. You won't know what to do. So instead of just gracefully putting the napkin on your lap, picking up your silverware and taking slow, small bites, you'll probably freak out and end up rubbing the meatloaf all over your naked body right there on the dining room table. Which may or may not be a bad thing.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
We're all for a little domination in the bedroom: the ropes, the outfits, the humiliation. All good stuff! But as soon as you open that door and cross the threshold into the real world for some fresh air, it ends right then and there. Nobody puts Taurus in a corner. At least outside of a BDSM scene.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
You will be unusually stimulated by someone you meet this week--and we don't mean like with a spatula or an egg beater or anything. No, an intense emotional compulsive attraction will make it difficult for you to resist one particular hotcake. Unfortunately, this flapjack is buttered on the jealous side.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Your heart will be in the right place this week. (And thank goodness for that, it looked kind of funny on your ass.) We know it's kind of gross when people over-share in an attempt to create a stronger bond of friendship, but you shouldn't be afraid of over-sharing this week. Pour out your heart to someone you're fond of and you won't be sorry. Which isn't to say they won't be sorry for asking "How are you?" Pick wisely, pick a good listener, don't pick your bartender and everyone will be the better for it.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Don't hide your light under a bushel this week. Hmm, sounds kinda dirty. We mean: don't hide all your jiggly bits under baggy clothing. Just kidding, they're not that jiggly. Let's try again: think of the one thing you're most shy about (voicing your opinions, changing your hair color, changing your mind, changing your underwear) and make an effort to not be shy about that anymore. Feel free to give your reflection in the mirror rousing words of encouragement each morning.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Come on in, the water's fine! The next stage in your relationship may appear to be as murky and cloudy as the water down-river from a nuclear power plant, but we've gone ahead and done a few lab tests for you on the water--it turns out it's just your glasses that are smudged. Take them off.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
How old are you? Eeny Meeny Miney Moe is no way to choose between competing partners...Rock Paper Scissors is way better. But seriously folks, don't let the bright and shiny packaging of someone new make you forget about your loyal security doll.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
If you chase anything long and hard enough, chances are you'll become convinced that the chase is worth it. Chances are, the thrill of the chase will make you forget what it is you're chasing. We're not sure if it's your fancy new Pumas or all those butt-clenching exercises you've been doing at your desk (yes, we see you), but this week, you're going to win the chase. Enjoy the victory lap, because by the time you get home, you may be bored of your prize.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
You're chasing luvvers like a kid collecting fireflies, except you're too busy to play with them so you just leave them in a jar on your bookshelf. Don't hog the hotties: If you can't give them the attention they deserve, let them fly free to light up the skies for the rest of us. And yes, we'd like a Whopper with that cheese.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
If you aren't 100 percent sure when it comes to a relationship that you've been toying with, it's best to back off. Because if you pick someone up, you will have trouble letting him or her down later on. And you know you've got that bad back. So bend at the knees.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Better to befriend than bed this week. Friends you make now may turn into lovers later, but anyone new you do today will probably become psycho tomorrow. Give yourself more time to figure out what you want from a relationship--at least a week. By then, even if you haven't figured it all out, at least you'll have a new horoscope.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Everyone wants to be on your team this week. And even better than that, they all love you for you, just the way you are. Well, at the very least they all want to get into your pants rather than your pocketbook. Which is always nice, right? Don't worry about your reputation if you feel like engaging in a little groupie sex--the ones you do pick will be so blissed out, they won't even remember their own name, and the ones you don't pick will be too busy mending their broken hearts to call you "slut." But what the heck, we'll say it: Slut! And that's a compliment where we come from.