aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
We love it when the stars get all stand-offish and non-judgmental. Take this week, for example: "One-night stands are prevalent." Just that: prevalent. Not even a hint as to whether they approve of all this prevalence or not. So we're guessing you should just stock up on prophylactics and wear your good underwear every day (not the same pair), just in case.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
So there you are, in your local bar (or corner deli, or indie record shop), eying up the area hottie you've been meaning to speak to for weeks now, and you're finally ready to take the plunge: heart pounding, sweat droplets forming at your temples, hands shaking...but whatever you do, don't use a line. We're serious as cancer. We know that in moments like these, you suddenly forget how to form complete sentences and a line can seem like a handy crutch, but it's not. Better to come right out and admit your nervousness than crib from some sleazy pick-up manual written by a guy who hasn't got laid in decades. Hey, we'd find that endearing.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
We would not want to be you this week. You're going to find yourself between a rock and a hard place, put on the spot about a relationship, pressured to make some kind of monumental decision. Don't do it! Stall them, buy some time, mumble something noncommittal about needing time to think, and then check back here next week. Hopefully the stars will give you something more to work with at that point.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
"Opportunities will manifest themselves if you step up to the podium at a group event and charm the audience." Um, okay. Maybe you should be like the New York lottery guy in the ads and carry a podium with you wherever you go. Because apparently "someone will seek you out after your charming performance, looking for a little bit more than conversation." Heh, heh. So keep your eyes peeled for stages: karaoke bars, open-mic evenings, political rallies, upturned crates on street corners, etc. And as someone once said, all the world's a stage. It's just a matter of getting the audience to listen to you.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Oh, Leo, you're a fool for love. It's kind of cute when Meg Ryan does it, but on you, it just looks pathetic. Walk away from love before it walks all over you, leaving nothing but a set of muddy footprints. (Yes, it's true, we're a little bit country, a little bit rock 'n' roll.)

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
You will apparently impress someone from a distance this week. Someone in an audience. We suggest you save yourself a lot of hassle and just follow around a Cancer for the week. They'll be the ones lugging around a podium.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
It won't take much for you to attract a perfect partner. That's assuming your perfect partner is an annoying fuckwit who hasn't been laid in two years and isn't getting any younger. If you're aiming a little higher than that, you might have work a bit harder. You know, lay on some charm, slip 'em a mickey, etc.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Be the first one to speak up at the office meeting, the first one on the dance floor at the '80s night club, the first volunteer from the audience at the magic show, the first one to make the move, the first one to introduce the Jell-O mold to the bedroom. Boldness is a color that will look good on you this week.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
You do something to someone, something that simply mystifies them. Tell them, why it should be, you have the power to hypnotize them. Let them live 'neath your spell. Do do that voodoo that you do so well, for you do something to them that nobody else could do.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
This week, be the bottom.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
If sex is a tall glass of water, then you're probably feeling like an Arab on sabbatical in the Sahara these days. But try to resist drinking from the first pond you stumble upon--it's likely just a mirage. Make like a camel and rely on your own resources for satiation. You'll reach the blue lagoon soon enough.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
The trouble with ultimatums is that sometimes your bluff is called. So when you tell your partner, "Either I go or the monkey in diapers goes," be sure you've got your bags packed, just in case.