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11.26.2008  BY EM & LO

Come Thursday, when you spend the day fisting a dead bird, barely stomaching your great aunt's marshmallow yam casserole, fighting with your brother about the girlfriend he stole from you 15 years ago, and trying to figure out how this absurd tradition came into practice, check out this three-part series on the Pilgrims -- it won't give you any historical insight, but it might give you a giggle. Especially if you appreciate your 12-year-old nephew's sense of offensive, nonsensical, bodily function-based humor. (Part 2 and Part 3

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Dear Em & Lo,

I need a little advice. My boyfriend was in an accident and now he is paralyzed. We can still have sex with the help of erectile shots, which make his penis hard. The problem is, I have to be on top and do all the work. Is there anything out there that might help? Please help! My legs are in the best shape of my life, but they get tired quick, and the shot lasts longer than I can do the work.

--Tired on Top

Dear ToT,

We're really sorry to hear about your boyfriend. But we're really happy to report that we have an answer for you! Pictured above is the Bodybouncer, a device that promises to "take the gravity out of sex." We were sent a freebie a while back when we were researching our book Sex Toy: An A-Z Guide to Bedside Acccessories, and we can attest to its campaign promise. He lies under it, you sit on top, and the handy hole lets you, er, connect. We'll let explain the rest: "Just the slightest flexing of her thighs sends her gliding up and down--gently and sensually--yielding an erotic connection with astonishing potency." In other words, sex that doesn't leave you feeling like you just spent an hour on the Thighmaster. Now you know what to ask Santa Claus for! We'll remind him that nice girls use sex toys, too. Oh, and when your shiny new toy arrives, be sure to stash it discreetly, lest you find yourself explaining the device to a visiting in-law, as Em's guy once did.

Happy bouncing!

Em & Lo

P.S. This is, of course, just one simple idea. For a slew of other options, from positions to props, check out The Ultimate Guide to Sex and Disability, co-authored by the wise and sweet Cory Silverberg of's sexuality section.

Babeland's Claire Cavanah shows some of the best titles in feminist, high-budget, and documentary porn. ; Babeland's Claire Cavanah shows some of the best titles in feminist, high-budget, and documentary porn.

Babeland's Claire Cavanah shows some of the best titles in feminist, high-budget, and documentary porn.

11.26.2008  BY EM & LO
Photo: Luke Stephenson

  • gives you the dos and don'ts this holiday season for throwing your man into the party mix. Bonus tip: watch out for the pretzel sticks--they'll poke you in the eye! (badum-ching!)
  • Check out their slideshow of committed celeb couples who, unlike Madge and Guy Ritchie, are going the distance. But where are Tim Robbins and Susan Sarandon in this list? They've been together 20 years!
  • Twenty-bucks says Spencer and Heidi make Glam's next list: Hollywood's Shortest Charades.

11.25.2008  BY EM & LO

...for being the best source of cheap laughs on the web. Of  course, this recently posted "bookstore sorting fail" struck us as particularly hilarious, especially with the "bonus." Some would argue it's not a "fail" at all but rather an accurate reflection of reality (e.g. Bill Maher). However, we'd like to think that there are enough enlightened monogamous couples with healthy sex lives out there who make this a legitimate fail. Sure, they may have needed to read books in BOTH bookstore sections to get there, but hey, they're making it work.

Our inbox is overflowing and we'll never get to all the lonely hearts, so each week, one reader's fate will be left up to the masses. Answer this reader's question by filling out the poll after the jump:

Okay, ladies. I just caught my boyfriend sending a really dirty sex text to someone he met over MySpace. (We're supposed to be exclusive.) He says he flirted with her before we met and a text from her just mysteriously arrived. I don't really believe him. I am hurt and pissed. The lying aside, do you think text sex is cheating? Or is it just living out fantasy? Am I overreacting? Thanks!

--Text Vexed

Advice from three of our guy friends. This week they answer the question, Is there such a thing as an ugly vagina? based, in part, on recent advice we gave and the flurry of comments that followed:

Straight Married Guy (Matt):
It's not something I've ever been all that concerned about personally, but I have (very, very rarely) heard guy friends comment on "ugly" vaginas, just as I've heard girl friends (slightly less rarely) comment on guys' johnsons. Some guys think anything other than Playboy-style tiny labia is ugly, and some girls think anything less than a pornstar package isn't enough for them. I'd say both of those categories are tiny segments of the population, and that most people are satisfied within a remarkably broad spectrum of labia and penis sizes. Basically, if it's not an actual medical oddity, it's pretty much all good. And unlike with penis size, where I assume there's actually a difference in feeling, I've never even slightly noticed a woman's labia while having actual intercourse--ever. There are plenty of things you notice about how the sex feels, but the micro-difference in the size of the fleshy bits outside the vagina? That's not something you're thinking about. So having a strong preference there doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me.

Gay Committed Guy (Terence):
Got a question for ya: is there such thing as an ugly penis? You know there are a hell of a lot of ugly penises out there! And so you ask if there are ugly vaginas. Well, all the feel-good, hooray for the vagina monologue-ing ain't gonna hide the fact that someone is probably going to judge your private parts (gifts) as gorgeously delicious or disarmingly distasteful. Truth is, it's what you do with it, right? Whether it's pimples on your butt, grey nose hairs, mangled pinkie toes, or a non porn-perfect vagina, the right person (as in the one who should be servicing your nethers) is the person who likes your grey hairs, pimples and vagina 'cause they're attached to you.

Every now and then we come across something online so very wrong that we wonder if the Internet isn't such a great thing after all. Two girls, one cup, say...OR a self-published (natch) collection of semen-based recipes, just in time for Thanksgiving. Spunky candied pecans, anyone? According to the author, Fotie Photenhauer--a grownup version, one would imagine, of that little twerp in 10th grade who claimed that his semen would cure your acne--"Semen is not only nutritious, but it also has a wonderful texture and amazing cooking properties. Like fine wine and cheeses, the taste of semen is complex and dynamic. Semen is inexpensive to produce and is commonly available in many, if not most, homes and restaurants." In theory, it shouldn't be any grosser than, say, eating a calf's liver, but in practice? We're going to put it in our "Tom Cruise eating his baby's placenta" file. And yes, before you ask, we are indeed two uptight biotches with no sense of humor.

Photo via Splash

We have an article in this month's Glamour magazine called "Guys' Weird New Habits: Why? Why?" One habit we investigated is guys wearing skinny jeans that look like they'd be a better fit on their 12-year-old little sister (or their undersized girlfriend--yes, we're talking to you, Pete Wentz). Our friend Grant, 32, claims to be a skinny pants maverick. We couldn't fit all of his excellent skinny pants mantra into the article, so we thought we'd share it with you here:

"For the last 20 to 25 years, it's been ingrained in the American psyche that wearing anything form-fitting is sort of faggy. So baggy pants are a macho thing, they're the antithesis to a gay guy wearing a supertight T-shirt. It's an affirmation of one's supposed heterosexuality to go baggier and bigger. I like to buck that trend. John McCain kind of ruined the word maverick, but I like to think of myself as a maverick in the fashion department. And I've got some nice fucking pins, I want to show them off!

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Give thanks for all the confidence you have, all the knowledge you possess, all the smooth moves you can throw down like butter, because they're going to make you more appealing than a pool-sized vat of creamy mashed potatoes you could swim in naked. Now that's hot.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
It's a good thing a bunch of family holidays are coming up, because you need some kind of speed bump on your highway of sin. And what better to keep your mind off of cheap and easy sex than a visit with your big, blue-haired Auntie Bertha? The only legs that should be spreading in anticipation of a good stuffing this Thanksgiving are the turkey's.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
A few Thanksgivings ago, Em set fire to the turkey. Not sure what to do, we called the fire department for "advice." But rather than offer counseling and cooking tips over the phone--apparently that's against their policy--they sent over three truckloads of hunky New York City firefighters. Sigh. And the moral of the story is . . . um . . . yeah, there really isn't one, we just like re-living the memory. But if you must have a moral, we suppose we could pull one outta our turkey hole: Go ahead and make that booty call, 'cause you may just be rewarded beyond your wildest, do-me-against-the-fire-pole fantasies...

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Em & Lo, more formally known as Emma Taylor and Lorelei Sharkey, are the self-proclaimed Emily Posts of the modern bedroom.

Dr. Kate is an OB/GYN at one of the largest teaching hospitals in New York City.

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