12.17.2008  BY EM & LO
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Advice from three of our guy friends. This week they answer the question, Do you have any tips on phone sex?

1. Straight Single Guy (Chris): Just one tip: Know your audience. It is very simple: like a good joke, you have to know who you are talking to and how far you can push it. It is just a completely counterproductive activity if you have phone sex with somebody and accidentally say something that turns them off and prevents you from having real sex with them ever again. For example, I don't care if you liked fucking your last boyfriend in the ass with a strapon. That's great for you. But it's not great for me. If I was having phone sex with you and in the heat of the moment you blurt out, "I want to fuck you in the ass with a strap-on," I am done. Period. Sorry baby, you went to far.

In answering this question, I thought of a list of sexual actual acts you might want to double-check on before screaming out. Mind you, this list is not complete:

1. I want to fuck you in the ass with a strap-on.
2. I want to piss all over you.
3. I really want to take a crap on your chest.
4. I think your mom is hot.
5. Beat me with a coat hangar.
6. Choke me until I pass out.
7. I dream about being with you, a midget, a monkey, and a toy robot.

Anyway, you get the point. Figure out how far you can go, before you go. Else you might not get the real thing anytime soon...

Gay Married Guy (Jon Ross):  I find the sound of my own voice incredibly un-sexy, and because of this, I've avoided phone sex most of my life. However, one long term relationship in college necessitated getting it on aurally once in a while. Like real sex, the best phone sex starts out slow to create the mood and builds towards a climax (both figuratively and literally). Make sure you are in an area where you will not be distracted and try to avoid long silences as these can both be mood killers. If you run out of inspiration, the phrases "so hot," "so soft," "so hard," and "so wet" never get old and do wonders for the imagination.

Straight Married Guy (Fred): My response is for people who find phone sex a little weird. If you're good at it and you love it, I've got nothing for you. If you're open to it but find it awkward and feel stupid doing it, this is for you: I think it's probably best to make phone sex as close to the way you actually have sex as possible. If you moan, then moan. If you grunt, then grunt. If you talk, then talk. If you're silent you're gonna have to make some kind of sound, so grunting and moaning are a good start. Don't feel obligated to talk. Do whatever you normally do a little louder. Maybe a lot louder. Then maybe the next time you try it throw in some words. "Yessss" and "Oh my god" and "It feels so good" are easy ones. And while masturbating isn't mandatory, it sure is better for everyone.


Our "guys" are a rotating group of contributors, some of whom wish to remain anonymous and some of whom like the attention. This week's Gay Married Guy is Jon Ross and our Straight Single Guy is Chris DiClerico.


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Em & Lo, more formally known as Emma Taylor and Lorelei Sharkey, are the self-proclaimed Emily Posts of the modern bedroom.

Dr. Kate is an OB/GYN at one of the largest teaching hospitals in New York City.

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