Daily Bedpost

For the Love of Blog: 05.09.08

2008-05-09T19:30:00Z

A weekly round-up of our own favorite sex-related musings on the web:

• Our friends at Good Vibes are throwing a party to introduce the world's first tighty-whitey-wearing vibrating beaver.

• Babeland honors Mother's Day with a post about the difficulty of discussing sex with a Catholic mom.

• The ladies of DearSugar want to know: Would it be worse if he refused to kiss you, or refused to make eye contact during sex?

• Broadsheet honors Mildred Loving, the first woman to challenge Virginia's anti-interracial-marriage law.

• Radar reports live from the Long Island Mingling Mom "Top Mom" award ceremony, where the cougar's cougar, Dina Lohan, received the top accolade.

• Cory Silverberg of About.com chats with Regina Lynn about her new book, Sexier Sex.

• Naked Chicks on Post-Its is exactly what it sounds like.

From ElasticWaist.com: What's the Worst Thing Anyone's Said to You in Bed?

2008-05-09T18:30:00Z

We went out to karaoke, one night, and to do karaoke, you usually have to be drunk. Unless you're a good singer, in which case being drunk is just a nice bonus. We were all very drunk, regardless of our level of singing talent, and talk turned, as talk usually does when you're very drunk and happy, to sex. It's easier, of course, to talk about sex when you're three sheets to the wind and can blame every embarrassing thing that comes out of your mouth on the highball glass filled to the top with beautiful vodka. The sex talk came around, after some meandering, to talking dirty in bed, which ended up becoming a conversation about the very worst thing anyone had ever said in bed to us.

I am very disappointed to report that I don't entirely remember my friends' stories. I know, however, that they were terrible, and painfully hilarious in the way that only something wretched and awful and embarrassing can be, in retrospect. I kind of wish I didn't remember my own story, because it still makes me cringe, 15 years later, when I think about it.
Read more at elasticwaist.com>>

Impertinent Question:Have You Ever Had Phone Sex?

2008-05-09T16:30:00Z

Poll: A Bad Case of "The Batch"

2008-05-09T14:30:00Z

Quizzes by Quibblo.com

Sugasm: The Way to Know What's Happening on Other Sex Blogs

2008-05-09T14:00:00Z

The best of this week's blogs by the bloggers who blog them. Highlighting the top 3 posts as chosen by Sugasm participants. Want in Sugasm #131? Submit a link to your best post of the week using this form. Participants, repost the link list within a week and you're all set.

This Week's Picks
Gross Spelling Errors Turn Me Off
"Here are a few other word issues that come up in sex writing that throw me off and drive me crazy."

L'Artiste
"I want time to sip my whisky, to drink you in as you unveil yourself, as you offer your body to my steady gaze."

Learning My Limits (Part 1)
"It hurts. It's gorgeous. "

Mr. Sugasm Himself
24-Months of AVN Online, $0

Editor's Choice
The Few, The Proud, The Pornless

More Sugasm
Join the Sugasm

See also: Fleshbot's Sex Blog Roundup each Tuesday and Friday.

The Muppets Dare to Eat a Peach

2008-05-08T19:00:00Z

Muchas gracias to The Frisky for highlighting this beautiful work of sheer genius by an art student at USF: a music video of clips from The Muppet Show synched to the musical stylings of raunch-mistress Peaches. We dare you not to laugh at Miss Piggy singing "Fuck the Pain Away," especially when she slows things down and takes it to the bridge. Still, we can't help but feel a little bit dirty at the tarnishing of such a great kids' classic. But we'll get over it.

From ProductFiend.com: Isabella Rossellini Is My New Idol

2008-05-08T17:30:00Z

Photo via Splash

I was just watching videos from Isabella Rossellini's new Sundance project, "Green Porn," which is a beyond amazing, totally twisted series of film shorts about insects mating. Not only is it a brave, fascinating and whimsical project, but Isabella looks refreshingly unretouched and plastic surgery free. Of course, she's still one of the most legendary beauties around (with Ingrid Bergman's genes, how can you go wrong?). But it's so nice to see an older actress who doesn't look pulled and taut, or ridiculously unnaturally preserved (hello Madonna!) for her age.

More at ProductFiend.com>>

Euphemism of the Week: Erectile Insufficiency

2008-05-08T16:00:00Z

An article in the Metro UK this week discusses men who just aren't that into sex--apparently there's been a 40 percent rise (poor word choice, perhaps) in men seeking counseling because they've lost interest in sleeping with their wives, girlfriends, or any woman for that matter. Experts blame it on stress, depression, long working hours, and PMS (oh wait, never mind). Seriously, though, Joe Average's libido is sagging, apparently, and everyone's got their knickers in a twist about it. But our favorite part of the article is when an expert explains the recent switch in men's sexual issues: "Men used to come to us with impotence-now known as erectile insufficiency--but Viagra has sorted some of that problem." Erectile insufficiency?! Next they'll be saying that when some skanky dude dry-humps you from behind on the dance floor and pokes you with that banana in his pocket, it's just erectile surplus.

Hold Me Tight: Couples on the Therapist's Couch

2008-05-08T14:30:00Z

In Treatment on HBO didn't leave us with much faith that couples therapy can actually work. Even the therapist's therapist, Dianne Wiest, finally gave in and told Gabriel Byrne to go ahead and sleep with his hot'n'horny 30-year-old patient, despite the fact that he was married to the most awesome woman ever. And studies of couples therapy aren't any cheerier: the research out there indicates that two years after ending counseling, 25 percent of couples are worse off than when they started, and after four years, 38 percent are divorced.

For a sunnier perspective, we thought we'd chat with Dr. Sue Johnson, director of the Ottawa Couple and Family Institute and author of the new book Hold Me Tight, about an approach she helped develop called emotionally focused therapy. Studies have shown that even years after this kind of counseling, almost three-quarters of the couples are doing better-- it's one of the few forms of couples therapy with empirical data showing that it helps. Johnson was recently recruited by the U.S. army for a pilot program to help army couples deal with Iraq war-induced marital stress...
]]> Em & Lo: Why do you think so much couples therapy doesn't work?

Sue Johnson: Lots of couple therapy is off target. It's kind of a shotgun approach--an intervention here, another there, an insight into this, a technique for stopping a fight that works when the fight isn't really crucial. The kind of complex drama that is two people fighting out their most basic needs and fears in a love relationship is hard to work with if you don't have a compass or a map.

So give us the elevator pitch on how your approach differs.

In emotionally focused therapy (EFT) we have a scientific clear map to love--what it means to people, what are the moments that matter. And a 25-year scientific set of studies has taught us how to fix it. We know how to help folks with emotion, which is the music of the dance. Much of couple therapy tried to bypass emotion, but we honor it, we teach folks to listen to it and voice it to pull their partner closer. The rate of 7 out of 10 distressed couples recovering from distress and feeling satisfied after therapy is a very good result, and these results are stable.

How can EFT help a couple's sex life?

Let's just take 3 loops linking great sex and emotional safety:

1. If you feel safe you can surrender to sensation--your brain is not wired to feel afraid or scan the environment for danger and get turned on at the same time, they are competing priorities.

2. People who feel safe can communicate about sex. And trying to coordinate sexual responses without expressing what you need is like landing a 747 without the control tower input.

3. When we are safe we play, explore, take risks. Good sex is a safe adventure.

EFT is sometimes also called attachment therapy. How can couples know where emotional attachment ends and co-dependency begins?

This is a tricky question to answer in a simple way. Co-dependency is a confusing label; it was a word coined to persuade women that if they didn't confront and even get up and leave a man who was drinking. To try to protect themselves or their connection with him or his feelings, they were actively helping to create his addiction, unconsciously joining in with his addiction. This label is a big blame--a huge generalization and a general put-down of dependency! There is nothing wrong with our need to depend on others--being comfortable, being close, and being able to reach for and depend on another. We should accept our dependency needs in general; it's a strength, not a weakness. But when we get really scared of losing our partner we sometimes accept behaviors that need to be confronted.

When we know that our attachment is so uncertain and we are desperate about holding onto it--sometimes at a great price--we become pre-occupied with getting signs of being loved, and we become jealous. The fear of losing this person begins to run our life. Ironically, this leads naturally into arguments. When we are really unsure and insecure with a loved one, my approach would be to help a person express his or her fears and needs very clearly in a way that encourages their loved one to reassure them and listen to them.

So can the wrong kind of couples counseling ever cause a couple to split who might have stayed together otherwise? Or does it just hasten the process?

I think therapy can hasten the process of relationship breakdown. For one thing, the therapist can't give hope to a couple if he or she can't see a way through. "Cause" is usually a set of issues, and often people wait too long to attend to their issues.

Is part of your approach to teach couples to fight better, rather than fight less?

No, we don't teach couples to fight "better"--we show couples how the fight traps them both and help them listen to the hidden fears and longings in their fights so they can help each other and reach for each other. Once partners can create a loving bond, they can "fight" and have differences and disappoint each other sometimes and they are still in love and loving.

Can fighting be good for a relationship?

Everyone gets disconnected, everyone gets caught in Demon Dialogues, like stepping into a spin cycle in a machine. But happy couples understand what is going on and can see the spin and work as a team to show it down. And they can create a new positive spin that is full of emotional connection. We teach couples to see the emotional disconnection, the real bonding issues in their fights and their silences. And then we teach them to focus on their feelings in a positive way and use the language of bonding and connection to speak their needs to each other and help each other respond.

Well, that sounds like fighting better to us!

Fighting is good in that you are engaged with each other--silent disconnection and distance is more toxic than a good fight now and again. At least you are dancing and struggling to connect. It's hard to keep up the dance when everyone is sitting out.

If a couple comes to couples therapy together willingly, is there always hope for them?

Yes, I think that there is always hope, unless someone is insisting on doing something that actively destroys trust just as you are building it up. Deception, for example, does that.

So, we have to ask: What did you think about the couples therapy in In Treatment?

The only therapy I have ever seen on the silver screen that I could connect with was Judd Hersch in Ordinary People--but I must admit that I haven't seen In Treatment. I'll have to watch it and get back to you.

For more information on Dr. Sue Johnson, visit HoldMeTight.net.

If You Were a Sex Toy, What Would You Be?

2008-05-07T20:00:00Z

Quizzes by Quibblo.com

It's National Day to Prevent Teen Pregnancy

2008-05-07T18:00:00Z

Today is the seventh annual National Day to Prevent Teen Pregnancy. It's organized by a non-profit, non-partisan group and directs teens to a website that offers a quiz to encourage them to think about what they would do in certain sexual situations. I'm all for creative ways (and websites) that drive home the very real possibilities of pregnancy and infection when you're sexually active. But I fear that the message of the day, "Sex has consequences," will be heard by teens as another "Just say no" command that has no bearing on their everyday lives. Truth is, the average age of first intercourse in the U.S. is about 17--and that's been essentially unchanged for the past decades (and quite possibly the past century). And about 25 percent of teens don't use any form of contraception the first time they have sex. So how do we balance acknowledging teens' sexuality with breaking through their feelings of invincibility? As a gyno who has many teen patients, I want them to know that I know they're having sex, and that I think it's okay (if they care what I think)...but they still need to protect themselves.

Did you use birth control or a condom the first time you had sex?

Impertinent Question:Which Celebrity Would You Have Sex With?

2008-05-07T16:00:00Z

Poll: Who's Your Favorite Cougar Couple?

2008-05-07T14:00:00Z

Photo via Splash

We can't explain why, but cougar hook-ups often make us feel kind of sad inside (which is not to say that we won't get hooked on the new cougar dating show), whereas long-term cougar relationships make us want to high-five the woman and then ask the couple to double-date. And who hasn't had a little relationship envy over Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins?

Quizzes by Quibblo.com

Who's Your Mommy: Top 10 Mother's Day Sex Tips

2008-05-06T20:00:00Z

In honor of Mother's Day this Sunday--there's a reminder for you; you're welcome--we thought we'd give you our top ten sex tips that could have come from your mom. Almost.

1. Always keep your fingernails clean and well-trimmed...especially if you're planning on any handwork or sticking a pinkie where the sun don't shine.

2. If he's not the kind of man you could introduce to your mother, are you sure you trust him enough to let him tie you up?

3. Eat your Wheaties. Because a high-fiber diet will help keep things clean and tidy back there, which will make you more comfortable having all your various nooks and crannies explored.

4. If you don't have anything nice to say after sex, then don't say anything at all.

5. When I was your age, we cared about good spelling and grammar, even in lust letters...
]]> 6. You're beautiful and smart and witty and you deserve better than that douchebag.

7. The golden rule of reciprocation applies to both oral sex and massage. But only in the case of massage can you actually demand your turn.

8. Never answer call-waiting during phone sex--that's just plain rude.

9. Sex is always better with a little love (or something like it) in the mix.

10. Always wear clean underwear, 'cause you never know.

Rx For Painful Sex

2008-05-06T18:00:00Z

Last week I talked about my patients who think that they're "too small" to have comfortable intercourse. I post about this topic so much because I hear it from my patients every day in the office. To complete the none-too-happy painful-sex-post trilogy, here is the quick guide to self-diagnosis of soreness, and what you can do to feel better.

IF YOU FEEL:
Discomfort at the start of intercourse
IT MAY BE:
Insufficient lubrication or not enough arousal
YOU CAN TRY THIS AT HOME:
Foreplay--tell him it's doctor's orders--and a great-feeling lubricant

IF YOU FEEL:
Burning sensation with intercourse (even with lube)
IT MAY BE:
Vulvodynia--persistent pain in the vulva that can happen even when not having sex
YOU CAN TRY THIS AT HOME:
Topical anesthetic (by prescription) and sometimes oral medication

IF YOU FEEL:
Pain or pressure with certain positions
IT MAY BE:
A retroverted uterus--your cervix can get cranky when it's bumped into
YOU CAN TRY THIS AT HOME:
Positions where you control how deep he goes--you on top may be best

IF YOU FEEL:
Pain with deep penetration or thrusting
IT MAY BE:
Endometriosis or pelvic inflammatory disease
YOU CAN TRY THIS AT HOME:
Make an appointment with your gyno to go over possible treatments

Has sex ever been physically uncomfortable for you? What made it better?