How to stuff a wild bikini, and other hot-weather horoscopes:

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
It's a great weekend at the beach with friends, new and old. As night falls, your sun-kissed skin burns, the air cools and the wind picks up a bit. After cooking veggie burgers and dogs on the back patio grill and putting back a few gin & tonics with lime, a bunch of you stray back to the beach in the dark. All it takes is one exhibitionistic friend, and suddenly the gang is stripping--white asses disappearing into the black water. You hesitate, then throw caution to the wind and drop trou. The fleeting embarrassment is worth this feeling of refreshing liquid in new places. Later, you end up making out under the stars with someone you'd least expect. This has been a metaphor for your week--jump in.

Our recent haiku contest winners gave us a hankering for our own haikus, hence your weekly astro-romantical advice in 5-7-5:

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
If you make new friends,
Don't tell them you like sploshing . . .
Until you know them.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Jogging, squash, tennis --
Momentum will carry you
Into bed and love.

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Practice safe sex this Fourth: Wrap up your firecracker or else you might end up with some third-degree burns on your genitals.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
The skies are clear so you can set your love rockets off. They should go off without a hitch. Expect lots of oooh-ing and ah-ing.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Take a pass on playing with bottle rockets this week. You'll probably end up blowing your hand off...making masturbation that much more difficult.

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
It's going to be one of those weeks: you'll feel fat and have bad hair days; you'll sprout one of those volcanic monster zits in the crease of your nose with one to match on your ass; you may be compelled to contemplate the stray hairs either growing out of random body parts or falling out in clumps in the shower; could be, while doing your best Cabbage Patch on the dance floor, you'll take a digger and split your new pants, calling to mind the "Blue Moon" scene in Grease; or, in the middle of sweet, passionate love-making, you'll accidentally let rip a toot so monstrous, the neighbors will think there's been an earthquake. Whatever it is, you'll want to exchange your mortal coil for a newer model. Best to lock yourself in the library and live a life of the mind this week. You'll be back in tune with your bod soon enough.

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
You know how Cinderella's prince got swept up in the moment at the ball--the glowing lights from the crystal chandeliers, the majestic music from the live orchestra, the elaborate costumes of the guests, the bottomless gin & tonics at the open bar, the beauty and glamour of Cinderella . . . ? In that moment, he became a lovesick puppy, forgetting himself and his responsibilities to his country. And for what? A weak and wimpy white-trash chick with no spine and dishpan hands. This week, have fun at the ball, but don't drink too much, lest you end up wearing rose-tinted fairy-tale beer-goggles like our poor old prince.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Don't lie this week. Just be honest. It truly is the best policy. (Except when faced with questions like "Do I look fat?" or "Is my penis too small?")

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
If you're at all tempted to drive over to your beloved's house in the middle of the night and blast Peter Gabriel's "In Your Eyes" from a boombox held over your head in an attempt to express your true feelings, resist that temptation. Change your middle name to Subtlety this week.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
You want sex? Well, sex costs. And right here is where you start paying--in sweat! . . . If our paraphrasing of the classic line from the opening sequence of the Fame television show isn't working for you, then let us put it this way: love is work, and work takes energy. This week, eat a lot of Clif Bars.

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Pretend it's easy like Sunday morning every day this week. Play some Snore-ah Jones, light some candles, buy a new board game and cook a few of your favorite things. Sure, your neighbors might think you're being held hostage by sensualists, but it's just what you need this week.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Don't underestimate your powers of persuasion: you can have whoever and whatever you want this week. Okay, you can't have Brad Pitt or Scarlet Johanson on a bed of Cool Whip. And you can't have your own personal squad of fairies feed you grapes and lovingly administer you seltzer hi-colonics. But if you set realistic goals and stop short of begging, you can probably score this week.

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
The sky is blue. There is no good TV on Friday nights. Fire is hot. Oral sex is fun. Kevin Costner can't act. Condoms should always be used with new partners. And ladies should come first when it comes to orgasms. Every now and then, it's good to remind ourselves of some basic truths.

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
You're one of those people who tries to assemble the eighty-seven-piece toy before reading the instructions, aren't you? You work out without stretching, eat half the cookie dough before baking, pop the microwave before it dings. And you cannonball into the deep end before waiting the full fifteen minutes for your Creamsicle to digest. Fool, don't rush in--especially when it comes to romantic engagements this week. Best to pop a patience pill and chill.