aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
This is so like you: The person on your romance plate both stimulates and repulses you, kind of like meatloaf. You won't know what to do. So instead of just gracefully putting the napkin on your lap, picking up your silverware and taking slow, small bites, you'll probably freak out and end up rubbing the meatloaf all over your naked body right there on the dining room table. Which may or may not be a bad thing.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
We're all for a little domination in the bedroom: the ropes, the outfits, the humiliation. All good stuff! But as soon as you open that door and cross the threshold into the real world for some fresh air, it ends right then and there. Nobody puts Taurus in a corner. At least outside of a BDSM scene.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
You will be unusually stimulated by someone you meet this week--and we don't mean like with a spatula or an egg beater or anything. No, an intense emotional compulsive attraction will make it difficult for you to resist one particular hotcake. Unfortunately, this flapjack is buttered on the jealous side.

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Sitting around worrying will not solve all your problems. Neither will yoga. There, we said it: There is such a thing as a problem that yoga can't solve, despite what all the celebrities claim. (And who believes them, anyway? When they say that yoga gives them that special glow, it's just Hollywood code for bulimia, plastic surgery, and a $300 facial.) But anyway, you're too broke for the facial, and too smart for surgery or an eating disorder. So hit the town with some good friends instead; it's twice the therapy and doesn't leave scars or rot your teeth.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Your kindness, consideration, and generosity of spirit are easy pickins for the ruthless, conniving and deceitful. Like a poor little defenseless piggy, you're ripe for becoming some sexy wolf's chew toy. Build a house made of cynicism and paranoia this week; you can always take it down later, once you've made sure your lovers are de-clawed.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Woah, monogamy alert! The stars warn you to seriously reconsider your decision to commit. And it's not someone else who's putting the pressure on you--it's you! So cut yourself some slack, Gem, and have a little fun, why don't you? And if anyone tries to tell you that "your prison is walking through this world all alone," just ask them when's the last time they received really good head.

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Your heart is a muscle, and for argument's sake, let's pretend your genitals are too. If you exercise them properly, they'll become stronger. And everyone knows exercise is an endorphin inducer, an antidepressant and a sexiness promoter. This week, it's time to get physical, like in that Olivia Newton John video, sans the leg warmers.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
We're a little torn this week. On the one hand, the stars tell us that "You won't be satisfied unless you experiment"--but on the other, they warn us that "Living out your fantasies could ruin your relationship." To strap one on or not to strap one on, that is the question. How important is it to you that your sugar-pie dress up like Batman for some superhero sex? Your best bet is--you guessed it--to communicate with your partner (and leaving a "Sex Toys R Us" catalog on their coffee table doesn't count). But don't force the issue--if they're not gung-ho for your "experiment," you'll have to drive your own Batmobile.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
It looks like a checkerboard, but maybe your partner wants to play chess? Maybe they don't even like board games. The only way to find out is to let them make the first move.

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Don't sit home alone this week. Even more importantly, don't sit home alone and watch Home Alone this week.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
It's major decision time this week, so dig a little deeper than usual. This decision may change the rest of your life (or at least the rest of your summer), so try not to base your choice on fleeting factors, like six-packs and six-pack abs. Get a spine and make the grown-up choice, ya big wuss.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Don't push too hard for what you want or think you deserve. Step back and let whomever you're interested in come to you. If he or she doesn't, it's for the best. How do we know all this? We hear voices.