12.04.2007  BY EM & LO
Photo via Splash

Yesterday's news that the Hello Kitty vibrator is making a triumphant return left us in no doubt as to which celebrity would be the first to call her PA and insist that someone import her one of the cute-as-a-button shoulder massagers from Japan, stat (um, clearly Paris...she's the living embodiment of the value of "cute" over utility). But it got us thinking, what sex toys do other celebrities have stashed in their night-stands? Note: We have no idea what these people actually keep in their secret drawer. This is 98% conjecture, 1% tabloid detective work, and 1% wishful thinking.

Here are the toys:
Rabbit vibrator | butt plug | gimp suit | Hitachi Magic Wand | mirrored ceiling | whip | penis pump | vibrating cock ring | strap-on dildo | Liberator sex wedge | undercover lipstick vibrator | nipple clamps | anal beads | gold-plated 18K $1,500 Lelo vibe | the Rock Chick | massage oil

And here are the celebrities:
Sandra Bullock | Britney Spears | Russell Crowe | Jessica Simpson | Gwyneth Paltrow | Kevin Federline | Eva Longoria | Madonna | Tom Cruise | George Clooney | Drew Barrymore | Matthew McConaughey | Katie Holmes | Lindsay Lohan | Vanessa Minnillo | Cameron Diaz

We match them up, after the jump...

Rabbit vibrator: Eva Longoria--she said so herself. She has a Pocket Rocket, too, actually.

butt plug: Russell Crowe. For the simple reason that it just makes us like him more to imagine him with a butt plug inserted.

gimp suit: Britney Spears. Well, why wouldn't she? We know she's got the space to hang it. And despite a roomful of sex toys, she can't stay away from the Hustler store. Plus, she just seems like the type to choose something for its shock value rather than its clitoral utility.

Hitachi Magic Wand: Drew Barrymore--she's just one of those, buy-the-workhouse, get-the-job-done kind of gals.

mirrored ceiling: Obviously Matthew McConaughey. The man can't keep his shirt on in public and likes to do push-ups for the paparazzi. Also, he looks like he has hair plugs, and he probably first noticed his bald spot in that mirrored ceiling.

whip: Katie Holmes. The new hairdo says it all, Mistress Kate.

penis pump: Kevin Federline. Not that we think he needs it (in fact, if we had to guess, we'd say he's probably very well endowed) but it just seems like the kind of idea that must have occurred to him at some point.

vibrating cock ring: Sandra Bullock. She just seems like the kind of woman who'd demand clitoral stimulation during intercourse, doesn't she? And her biker-boy husband seems like he's secure enough in his manhood to wear one, too.

strap-on dildo: Madonna, duh.

Liberator sex wedge: George Clooney, so busted.

undercover lipstick vibrator: Lindsay Lohan, because she still thinks that sex toys are nothing more than gag gifts for bachelorette parties.

nipple clamps: Tom Cruise, total masochist. Also, married to a dom.

anal beads: Vanessa Minnillo--ever since we saw those knife pictures, we knew she was a dirty bird. No wonder Nick Lachey looks so happy these days.

gold-plated 18K $1,500 Lelo vibe:
Jessica Simpson. Because some women--especially spoiled, rich, Daddy's girls--need to spend a shitload of money in order to convince themselves that masturbation isn't dirty.

the Rock Chick: Cameron Diaz, total early adopter.

massage oil: Gwyneth Paltrow. We bet she has sex on her yoga mat, too.


katy said:

Nice work, detectives. I think Matthew probably uses the butt plug though.

HoldSteadyJenny said:

I, who have yet to even foray into sex toys, spent an hour and a half last night reading customer reviews of vibrators - and laughing my ass off - thanks to this.

amy said:

Have to agree with above poster, Matthew and the pump for sure! The work out king wouldn't neglect this muscle. I can also picture kevin digging the mirror...he can see himself. Oh boy.

Em & Lo said:

Okay, so if we're going to be passing this penis pump around, then Tom Cruise is clearly going to have a shot at it too...

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Em & Lo, more formally known as Emma Taylor and Lorelei Sharkey, are the self-proclaimed Emily Posts of the modern bedroom.

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