Dr. Kate,

I'm a 48-year-old woman and I have a new boyfriend. Recently we started having sex, and I haven't been with a man in quite a while. It really hurt, and he couldn't fully penetrate me. I even bled a little. What can I do to help my situation? I don't want this to happen all the time.

Back in the Saddle

Dear Back,

Becoming sexually active again after a long sex break is similar to actual first-time sex. Pain during sex can be chronic--vulvodynia is a big problem for many women--or situational. It certainly is not made up, and not something you have to live with. So some things that might help:

  • Make sure you get enough foreplay so you're really aroused before intercourse (you want to have plenty of blood flowing to your vagina to make penetration easier).
  • He can insert a finger in your vagina first, so you can judge how you're doing arousal-wise before actually having intercourse.

  • You should use plenty of lubricant, available at any drug store or at Babeland. Try out a few to see which one you like the best...
  • If you're peri-menopausal, using vaginal estrogen (in a cream, tablet or ring) can help make the lining of your vagina a little thicker, and can prevent any bleeding. Your gyno can do an exam to see if this might help.

Have any of you had painful intercourse after a bit of a sex-break? What did you do to make things easier?



1 Comments

said:

Yep, I have a knack for going for years without sex. I had gone for probably 4 or so years without, and had sex with an old friend who happened to be in town for an evening. It didn't feel good, and lots of blood. What's worse, he couldn't even be bothered to phone me the next day to see if I was ok. Went for probably another 3 years without and did have some really good sex, but to be brutally honest, the guy wasn't that well endowed. It's been 3 years again, and my interest has completely disappeared. Which I guess is a relief. And even if it were to present itself, it doesn't look like it's worth the hassle anymore.

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After a break-up, do everything you can to avoid rose-colored hindsight. This may include playing that montage of fond memories over and over in the theater of your mind with the Dolby surround-sound system playing Muse or Maroon 5 on repeat. No good can come of this; you'll simply end up feeling more inadequate, lonely, and depressed. Instead, focus on your ex's faults. There must be at least one (besides their ability to live without you), even if it's just a malformed pinkie toe or a tendency to douse every meal in ketchup.
--From Buh Bye: The Ultimate Guide to Dumping and Getting Dumped






Em & Lo, more formally known as Emma Taylor and Lorelei Sharkey, are the self-proclaimed Emily Posts of the modern bedroom.

Dr. Kate is an OB/GYN at one of the largest teaching hospitals in New York City.

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