pumpkinpie.jpg
aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Give thanks for all the confidence you have, all the knowledge you possess, all the smooth moves you can throw down like butter, because they're going to make you more appealing than a pool-sized vat of creamy mashed potatoes you could swim in naked. Now that's hot.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
It's a good thing a bunch of family holidays are coming up, because you need some kind of speed bump on your highway of sin. And what better to keep your mind off of cheap and easy sex than a visit with your big, blue-haired Auntie Bertha? The only legs that should be spreading in anticipation of a good stuffing this Thanksgiving are the turkey's.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
A few Thanksgivings ago, Em set fire to the turkey. Not sure what to do, we called the fire department for "advice." But rather than offer counseling and cooking tips over the phone--apparently that's against their policy--they sent over three truckloads of hunky New York City firefighters. Sigh. And the moral of the story is . . . um . . . yeah, there really isn't one, we just like re-living the memory. But if you must have a moral, we suppose we could pull one outta our turkey hole: Go ahead and make that booty call, 'cause you may just be rewarded beyond your wildest, do-me-against-the-fire-pole fantasies...


cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
This week, you might finally start to feel like settling down. Then again, it could just be a post-turkey food coma. Hold off on any rash decisions until next week.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Don't let anyone lead you on this week. Yeah, right, like anyone ever has any choice in the matter. Really, who wakes up in the morning and says, "It's a great day to be taken advantage of"? But here's the silver lining: Getting dumped right before Thanksgiving means you can wear your stretchy pants at the dinner table and no one will give a toss.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
You'll be full of energy this week. We're talking about the kind of energy you exude during an intense game of Cranium with the family, when you're frantically and somewhat pathetically trying to walk like a penguin in the hopes that sis will eventually stop shouting "Stick up the butt" and correctly guess "Charlie Chaplin" before cous' and that annoying know-it-all uncle of yours get it right and win the game for the third year in a row. It's that kind of energy that may piss off your relatives but will appeal to your romantic partner(s).

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
This week, you'll find love in the strangest places. So what the hell, accept that invite from your parents' friends' socially awkward son/daughter to get a fancy cocktail at the local Chili's while you're home over Thanksgiving. The only downside is that if you do meet a hottie at the bar, you'll be forced to admit to your friends that you met in Chili's, and you might have to go back once a year on your anniversary. But really, isn't that a small price to pay for true wuv?

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
You won't be safe from the onslaught of holiday propaganda about idealistically (i.e. impossibly) perfect familial love. It'll get you dreaming about the future, love, commitment. You may even want to change your ways a bit to help make those dreams a reality. Sucker.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
The stars suggest politely that "you may want to avoid too much interaction with others this week." Apparently you're liable to sweat the little things and have trouble keeping your cool. Hey, that sounds just like Thanksgiving at our house. We don't recommend trying to wrangle your way out of any Turkey Day plans--that's taking this advice a little too seriously--but you might want to reconsider making it a five-day weekend.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
If love is a Thanksgiving Day feast, then you are in control of the kitchen. We're talking about everything from preheating the oven to carving the bird. And if you so choose to have "tofurkey" this year, well then that's your right. And there's no shame in that, because you are the one wearing the apron (and nothing else, you dirty bird).

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
You don't have to take drastic, Jackass-like measures in order to get attention, like sticking an entire uncooked turkey up your butt just for laughs. Instead, let your sensitive side shine through. Make friends with the turkey.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
You will be in a serious-minded mood when it comes to love. It's just something about the holidays and those damn planetary alignments. So if you feel ready, don't wait: Make your move right after you say "Please pass the cranberry sauce."


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Em & Lo, more formally known as Emma Taylor and Lorelei Sharkey, are the self-proclaimed Emily Posts of the modern bedroom.

Dr. Kate is an OB/GYN at one of the largest teaching hospitals in New York City.

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