aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
You're hot like New York City salsa and bursting with "flavor" like a bag of tortilla chips just begging to be opened. It will be difficult to hide the way you feel. Men: avoid tight pants; women: wear underwear, especially at functions where your animal urges won't be all that well received (e.g., the office water cooler and your house of worship). However, all's fair at late night dance clubs and holiday office parties--hell, go to those naked for all we care.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Hey Taurus, I think we're alone now. There doesn't seem to be anyone around. No really, I think we're definitely alone. The beating of our hearts is the only sound . . . God bless Tiffany and her shopping mall concerts--she was singing ironically years before Alanis Morissette hit the scene. This week, you'll have to plan very carefully if you want some heavy-duty, one-on-one time with your love muffin. Otherwise you might find yourself interrupted by a roommate, a hungry pet, a loud knock on the bedroom door--or a crowd of inquisitive holiday shoppers.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Proceed to the spotlight and flaunt what you have to offer. The response will be overwhelming and you can bet you'll get some interesting offers. Of course, "interesting offers" could mean threats of arrest, especially if you interpret "flaunt what you have to offer" to mean wearing assless leather chaps to the Toys 'R Us in the mall for a little light holiday shopping.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Secret affairs don't always lead to boiled bunnies, but they rarely end up happily ever after, either. Take The English Patient, for example. Sure, they had hot sex in the bathtub that one time, and a steamy encounter at the holiday party, but was it worth three deaths? We're not suggesting that any fatalities will result from your minor (or perhaps major?) indiscretion, but one thing's for sure: it won't be pretty. Get out now while you're still getting away with it.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
We usually think game playing should be reserved for dinner parties and family holidays--you know, Boggle, Cranium, strip poker. But apparently a bit of mind screwing is in order this week: The more aloof you are, the more attractive you will be to someone who's interested in you. Of course, if that someone is shallow enough to fall for that trick, then maybe you should find a new someone who's good at board games, not head games.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
You will be in a mood to party this week. Which is fortunate, because it really sucks to be in a "Why don't you all just go screw yourselves" mood at this time of year. Accept all invitations to party: a connection made at one event could be long-lasting--unlike the connections made at all the other events, which will be fleeting, superficial conversations about the price of mistletoe and how to stop a tree from shedding its needles.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
You're suffering from what a friend of ours likes to call the "Something About Mary" syndrome: you keep morphing into someone else's vision of the perfectly impossible man's woman or woman's man or woman's woman or . . . you get the idea. (And aren't you glad we didn't make a jizz joke?) You're changing so fast, people are finding it hard to relate to you. Plus, it's not good for the soul. Retreat for a while, rest up, spend some good holiday time with your family and/or friends and remember who it is you are, and who you're looking for. If you promise to do all this for us, we promise that your horoscope next week will include a couple of jokes and maybe even a dose of that witty, dry Em-and-Lo special ingredient that you've come to know and love.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
"You're the worst kind of high-maintenance," Harry once told Sally. "You think you're low-maintenance, but you're actually high-maintenance." (Yeah, yeah, so we re-watched When Harry Met Sally while we recovered from a holiday party hangover. What, you've never done that?) This week, make them think that you're low-maintenance, no matter how needy you're feeling inside, or how much you want that dressing "on the side." You'll be surprised how liberating it can be.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
That ultimatum you were given recently? They don't mean it. Serious, they don't have the balls/labes to back it up. Don't be forced into a decision too soon just because you're afraid of losing something good (or worse, just because it's colder than a witch's tit outside and you don't want to be left alone for the holidays). Call their bluff and enjoy life without commitment for a few more weeks. Sure, you'll put a few hearts through the blender in the process, but what do you care? You're a Sag.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Has anyone ever told you that you're the Martha Stewart of romance? We're not saying that you're a megalomaniacal hausfrau who would run over her gardener with a John Deere if he missed a blade of grass on a 40-acre estate. Rather, you are creative in your love life, no matter how limited the resources. When life hands you lemons, you turn them into a season-appropriate wreath and make potpourri with the leftovers. This week, your handiwork will be appreciated by all the right people.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Choose low-commitment group activities this week, like bowling or orgies. Take your time before getting involved with someone. Especially if you met them while bowling.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Confucius say, person with big mouth has little chance of scoring. Shut your hole so that others may get filled.