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aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
You're hot like New York City salsa and bursting with "flavor" like a bag of tortilla chips just begging to be opened. It will be difficult to hide the way you feel. Men: avoid tight pants; women: wear underwear, especially at functions where your animal urges won't be all that well received (e.g., the office water cooler and your house of worship). However, all's fair at late night dance clubs and holiday office parties--hell, go to those naked for all we care.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Hey Taurus, I think we're alone now. There doesn't seem to be anyone around. No really, I think we're definitely alone. The beating of our hearts is the only sound . . . God bless Tiffany and her shopping mall concerts--she was singing ironically years before Alanis Morissette hit the scene. This week, you'll have to plan very carefully if you want some heavy-duty, one-on-one time with your love muffin. Otherwise you might find yourself interrupted by a roommate, a hungry pet, a loud knock on the bedroom door--or a crowd of inquisitive holiday shoppers.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Proceed to the spotlight and flaunt what you have to offer. The response will be overwhelming and you can bet you'll get some interesting offers. Of course, "interesting offers" could mean threats of arrest, especially if you interpret "flaunt what you have to offer" to mean wearing assless leather chaps to the Toys 'R Us in the mall for a little light holiday shopping.

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aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Read the fine print before you sign the commitment contract.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Your insightful outlook will attract all sorts of interesting people. Suckers!

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
This is a good week to interact with your luvva (as opposed to all those weeks when it's best to ignore them and take them for granted). Get out, pleasure seek, romance the stone--together. You know, go check into a cheap motel on the interstate for a couple of hours some night this week.

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aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
"Remember, you can't force anyone to love you," say the stars. Well, the stars can take their self-righteous condescension and go to hell. How can they not expect you to push back when the one you love pushes you to the edge? It's how you push that makes the difference: lather up with honey first, not vinegar.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
We know how badly you want to be in love. But be careful: overdosing on romantic comedies may muddy your brain into believing that s/he's the one. Avoid developing inappropriate attachments to casual dates and/or household pets this week.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
You're going to feel sexeee all week. The more you talk about what you like, the more likely you are to receive it. Especially if you say it in your sexeee voice.

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aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Give thanks for all the confidence you have, all the knowledge you possess, all the smooth moves you can throw down like butter, because they're going to make you more appealing than a pool-sized vat of creamy mashed potatoes you could swim in naked. Now that's hot.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
It's a good thing a bunch of family holidays are coming up, because you need some kind of speed bump on your highway of sin. And what better to keep your mind off of cheap and easy sex than a visit with your big, blue-haired Auntie Bertha? The only legs that should be spreading in anticipation of a good stuffing this Thanksgiving are the turkey's.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
A few Thanksgivings ago, Em set fire to the turkey. Not sure what to do, we called the fire department for "advice." But rather than offer counseling and cooking tips over the phone--apparently that's against their policy--they sent over three truckloads of hunky New York City firefighters. Sigh. And the moral of the story is . . . um . . . yeah, there really isn't one, we just like re-living the memory. But if you must have a moral, we suppose we could pull one outta our turkey hole: Go ahead and make that booty call, 'cause you may just be rewarded beyond your wildest, do-me-against-the-fire-pole fantasies...

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aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
You will think you have found love--or at least really good sex--this week, but it won't last, because they're lying to you. Hate to make you feel like you've been kicked in the nuts now, but it's better than feeling like your heart's been ripped out through your esophagus later, right?

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
We have one word of relationship advice for you: Google. It's not nosy--we all do it. And in your case, you might just be very glad you did. Just remember: don't believe everything you read...unless it's written by us.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Easy come, easy go. Who knows what the hell is going on with your love life--the revolving door to your bedroom is spinning so fast, everything's a blur. You might want to consider changing your sheets.

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aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
It's time to get in touch with your inner, black-clad, shit-kicker-boots-wearing, whip-wielding, six-foot-two dominatrix. Her name is Cassandria. Channel her energy this week and you should get whatever and whomever you want. You might even find someone to kiss your feet and clean your bathroom. Domination has its privileges.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Ironically, staying very busy this week will be the key to finding someone to lie around in bed with all day.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
If you accept the first offer that comes along, you'll never know how many more you might have had to choose from. Don't listen to your friends who tell you that you're being "selfish" by making people wait for an answer. They're just jealous that they're not more in demand.

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aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
On the sidelines they eat oranges and cheer the players; on the field they score.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Being as mysterious as the "special house meat" will work in your favor this week.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
It is better to wear out than rust out...in bed.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Someone will invite you to a karaoke party. You should go.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
He who never shuts his mouth eats flies. And he who eats flies has bad breath.

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aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Getting laid this week is gonna be as easy as trick-or-treating: Knock once, hold out your goodie bag, and watch the booty come to you. But remember, if you're going to take candy from strangers, make sure it's wrapped.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
If your partner has been sneaking around a lot lately, don't assume they're having an affair. Maybe they're planning a surprise Halloween costume ball, à la Eyes Wide Shut. And if that's the case, don't be surprised when the only people who show up are wrinkly old men draped in cloaks.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
That hot-hot-hot-hottie at the Halloween party may not be showing their true colors. Remember, the sluttier their costume, the more likely they are to be a total vanilla prude the rest of the year.

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aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Everyone likes to embellish a little, to make their stories or themselves a little more interesting. We all do it. Suddenly that drunk make-out sesh you had with some random in the bathroom of a dive bar becomes a spontaneous three-way in the hot tub of a top-floor penthouse. Or that one time you volunteered at an old-folks' Bingo tournament sounds more like a 12-month tour of duty with the Peace Corps. Most of the time, it's harmless--and it helps get you laid. But beware, someone's bound to call bullshit on you eventually--and more likely than not it will be the one person you really care for and want to screw. Then where will you be? Alone in the shower with your tears and your lies and your hand, that's where.

fortune_cookie.jpgaries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Love is work. And work isn't always easy. Work takes time. And time is money. So yes, love costs, but in the end, it's usually worth it . . . especially if you get a good deal.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Don't even think about staying home, curling up with a good book and going to sleep early. You'll have enough time for rest when you're dead. In the meantime, take a healthy bite out of the big juicy peach of life, turn it up to 11, party like it's 1999, carpe diem, kick it into high gear--take whichever cliché you relate to most and run with it.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Someone pushy and manipulative is going to come into your life this week. Push back. Maybe they'll trip and fall into your bed...

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Em & Lo, more formally known as Emma Taylor and Lorelei Sharkey, are the self-proclaimed Emily Posts of the modern bedroom.

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