Photo via Splash

Last month we complained that the headlines of the day made it seem like a bunch of beer-swilling men were making this shit up (à la Miller Lite's Man Laws). This week, we're blaming the ladies for pulling news stories out of their asses...

• The "news": Childbirth might just give you the biggest orgasm of your life.
What this really means: Your man will be too obsessed with your impending O to sympathize with the searing pain you are more likely to be experiencing. Also, he will be more determined than ever to bring the video camera into the birthing room.

• The "news": Paris Hilton to inherit 97% less money than expected.
What this really means: She'll just have to make more sex tapes.

• The "news": Virgin birth is technically feasible. (But walking on water? Not so much.)
What this really means: Yeah, if you're a greenfly.

What it tests for: Your gyno swabs both the outside of your cervix and the inside of the cervical canal (called the os) to sample the cells. The cells are then scrutinized to look for abnormalities--basically precancerous lesions.  Abnormal results need to get followed up with another pap in a few months or with colposcopy, a detailed look at your cervix with a special microscope.

What it doesn't test for: STDs. Just 'cause your gyno has a speculum in you and is rooting around, doesn't mean she's tested you for gonorrhea and chlamydia. So if you want STD testing, make sure you speak up.

As we've said before, it's never a good idea to ask a man to choose between you and his dog--chances are, the dog stays in the picture. (In fact, a friend of ours once offended a woman by refusing to even go on a second date with her after he discovered she was allergic to his dog. "But we can sleep over at my place!" she said. He informed her that this wasn't a good long-term plan and besides, he'd rather wake up with his dog.)

But assuming you can live with the mutt, does it make a difference what kind? Curb Your Enthusiam star Susie Essman recently told Animal Fair magazine, "You want a guy that's good in bed? Find a guy with a Shih Tzu or a Pomeranian or a little Yorkie. Because if he's secure enough in his sexuality to carry around a fru-fru little dog like that, that is a guy who's a keeper." Or, you know, gay.

Photo via Splash

A U.K. professor is claiming that testosterone is responsible for making men intrinsically funnier than women. His research method? He hit the streets on his unicycle and found that few women made fun of him, while 75 percent of men yelled out some attempt at humor, most commonly, "Lost your wheel?" Um, yeah. Hilarious. Did they call him poopy-pants too? In honor of this "study," this week's edition of Who Would You Do is devoted to a few of our favorite funny ladies...

Ellen DeGeneres. Pros: You might get to dance with her first. She might bring along her hottie girlfriend Portia de Rossi. Also, Jerry Falwell once called her Ellen DeGenerate. Cons: Could you really go where Anne Heche has gone? Also, that whole weeping over the adopted dog episode kind of turned us off.

Sarah Silverman. Pros: Total hottie. She rimmed her dog on her Comedy Central TV show. She likes playing Internet Scrabble. Cons: She rimmed her dog.

Whoopi Goldberg. Pros: That make-out scene in Ghost with Demi Moore was kind of hot. Cons: We can't quite remember when she was last funny. And that make-out scene in Ghost was equal parts hot and creepy. Plus, could you really sleep with someone who named herself after the whoopie cushion?

Kathy Griffin. Pros: Her "Suck it Jesus" Emmy acceptance speech is worthy of a lifetime of unreciprocated oral sex. Cons: Her bangs give us bad '80s prom flashbacks.

Dear Em & Lo,

I slept with a co-worker after our holiday office party. We were both very drunk, and while I don't regret it, I don't want anything further with him. Unfortunately, he's giving me all the signals that he'd like for us to continue what was, for me, just a one-night thing. To be honest, I'd probably be up for the occasional booty call, but I think he's looking for more. We're both at the same level in the company, so it's not like there's a power issue, but it's definitely getting more awkward every day. Any ideas on how to extricate myself without making things worse?
 
--Hiding Behind the Office Plant

Photo via Splash

Don't say we didn't warn you that we were in the mood for year-end roundups. Here are ten celebrity breakups from 2007 guaranteed to make you feel like a more evolved person...

1. Kate Moss & Pete Doherty
It wasn't the five-year age gap and it wasn't all the boozing or the coke-whoring or the failed stints in rehab either. No, the reason Kate finally kicked Pete to the curb with his belongings in a trash bag? He slept with a younger model. Vanity, thy name is supermodel.

2. Rachel McAdams & Ryan Gosling
"The only thing I remember is we both went down swingin' and we called it a draw," Ryan said in GQ magazine's November issue. The general public was so disappointed in the split--who didn't swoon at that kiss?--that apparently strangers still accost Ryan in the street and ask him to fix things.

3. Justin Timberlake & Cameron Diaz
Thank you, Cameron, for making us all feel better about the times we've drunkenly accosted an ex and asked him what the hell he thinks he's doing with that slut.

We have a bit of a soft spot for men and women in lab coats who study nookie for a living--after all, they're the bread and butter of this blog. But sometimes we wonder just where science ends and "science" (or wishful thinking) begins...

1. German scientists publish a study claiming that ten minutes of staring at a woman's boobs each day can prolong a man's life by five years. Apparently that slob in the La-Z-Boy who's drooling over the latest issue of Hustler is actually giving himself a cardiac workout equivalent to 30 minutes at the gym. Heres the thing, dudes: The New England Journal of Medicine may have bought it, but we guarantee your girlfriend won't.

2. Apparently women who play computer games have sex more often than women who don't. Oh yeah, and this totally unbiased study was conducted by a gaming rental company.

3. Playing hard to get makes you unattractive on the pick-up scene. While we'd love to see the needy and insecure of this world taking home the hottie, we have to go straight to the source and say: not according to The Pickup Artist it doesn't.

4. 19 percent of men have rubbed one out in the bathroom stall at the office. This earns the dubious honorific because we have no way of knowing which of them washed their hands after emerging from the stall and we will thus never again shake hands with a male colleague without reaching for the Purell.

5. Researchers find that "friends with benefits" set-ups are sometimes neither friendly nor particularly beneficial.  This study makes the dubious list not because we doubt its veracity but because: Didn't we all figure this out during freshman year of college?

In my last post I gave you the gyno's view of some of your girlie anatomy. Time now for a look at the rest of our lovely junk:

Coming off the sides of the top of your uterus are your fallopian tubes. Their sole purpose is to pick up the recently ovulated egg and allow it time to get fertilized by arriving sperm. Think of the tubes like your bedroom (or once upon a time, your parents' basement): they're where the magic happens. Normally, the fertilized egg then travels on down to the uterus to implant and begin to grow. If the tubes are scarred or damaged, there's a greater chance that the egg won't make it to the uterus, and implants instead in the tube itself. This is called an ectopic pregnancy, and is bad news. Pelvic inflammatory disease is a common culprit of scarred tubes--the reason that gynos are obsessive about checking you for STDs. When you've decided that your childbearing years are done, your gyno can sterilize you by sealing off your tubes (tubal ligation) by cutting, burning, or clipping them, closing the fertilization highway permanently.

Photo via Splash

A few weeks back we named the shmamortion movement the Bad Sex Idea of the Year. But we're in the mood for a year-end roundup (isn't everybody?) so we're amending that nomination to list the five runners-up to shmamortion when it comes to bad sex ideas of 2007...

1. The return of catsuits and camel toe (yes, we're talking to you, Sharon Stone).

2. Larry Craig's "wide stance" defense.

3. Two Girls One Cup. It makes Dirty Sanchez jokes seem like fun for the whole family. WARNING: do NOT watch this if your sensibilities could be even remotely considered delicate.

4. Heather Mills McCartney is writing a sex book, which is possibly the worst idea we've heard since Lynne Spears's decision to author a parenting book. But hey, at least she'll have a built-in audience with the amputee fetishists.

5. Jamie Lynn Spears eschews condoms and the morning-after pill but continues to lecture on the joy of saving yourself for marriage.