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05.06.2008  BY EM & LO
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Okay, okay, okay, fine. We give in. We'll talk about the freakin' movie that everyone's talking about. Or rather, we'll let you talk about it, in a special Sex and the City edition of "Who Would You Do."

Charlotte. Pros: Those leaked photos from her alleged sex tape were kind of hot, in a disgraced-cheerleader kind of way. And who didn't wonder if Charlotte was secretly the dirtiest in bed? Cons: Would Charlotte really make a sex tape? We lost count of the number of sex acts that elicited an "ew gross" reaction from her.

Samantha. Pros: She's Samantha. And Kim Cattrall is a real-life cougar. Cons: She's Samantha. Also, Kim Cattrall once married a jazz musician and then they co-wrote a sensual guide to love-making. Yes, they called it love-making.

Carrie. Pros: We guess if you enjoy post-sex rhetorical questions as pillow talk, then she's your gal. Cons: Total high maintenance shag. And if you accidentally farted or queefed, she'd scream and run out of the bedroom.

Miranda. Pros: You know she wouldn't be offended if you brought along your vibrator. Cons: She'd probably give you more directions than a traffic cop.

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We can't believe that we forgot to include Tiny Fey and Amy Poehler when we did a Funny Ladies edition of Who Would You Do last year. Since then, there's been a lot of chatter about whether or not women are funny, so we figured it was a good time to revisit the topic. Plus, we'd much rather think about Baby Mama than that other movie starring a bunch of ladies that's about to open that we refuse to address just yet. So, let's put the women of SNL up against each other in a head-to-head contest...who would you do?

Tina Fey. Pros: She's totally nailed that sexy librarian thing. She was the first female head writer of SNL...hello dom! She's responsible for "Mom Jeans" and "Bitch Is the New Black" on SNL. Cons: Wouldn't you just feel like the biggest loser ever waking up next to her?

Amy Poehler. Pros: She might bring along hubby Will Arnett. She looks like a cheerleader but has a potty mouth (yay, dirty talk!) and is a self-proclaimed feminist. She once lamented on SNL, "Ladies, what's up with all the deforestation going on down there? You need hair down there! There was a time when a lady garden was as big as a slice of New York pizza!" Love her. Cons: Like Juno McDuff, she's just a bit too aint-I-cute-and-funny.


Hope you had the day off yesterday, as we did! We spent it honoring the memory of great presidents from our country's past by considering their fuckability. Tacky, we know. (And sadly, it's the most we've thought about our country's best presidents ON Presidents Day since elementary school.) Still, we're compelled to ask: of those presidents carved into Mt. Rushmore, who would you mount?

George Washington
Pros: Would never lie to you just to get into your pants. 
Cons: His false teeth might fall out when he tries to bite you in the heat of passion. "Who's your founding father?" just doesn't have the same ring to it as "Who's your daddy?" Plus, he's a redhead. 

Abraham Lincoln: 
Pros: Considering his height, he's probably well-endowed; eloquent speech maker usually means eloquent dirty talker; might be secretly gay and fabulous. 
Cons: That beard. 

Thomas Jefferson
Pros: Would woo you with great food and wine; as an architect and inventor, he could probably come up with some cool early-American sex toys; might nickname his hands "Louis" and "Clark" and send them out on an expedition to explore your "Louisiana Purchase." 
Cons: A bit of sexual hypocrite, considering he spoke against "the amalgamation of whites with blacks" and then fathered several children with his slave, Sally Hemings. Plus, he's got a lisp.

Teddy Roosevelt
Pros: Likes to skinny dip in the Potomac; is in great shape; would probably speak softly and ravage you with his big stick.
Cons: The whole white supremecy thing would kinda ruin it.

02.11.2008  BY EM & LO

Photo via IDS

Tina Turner (minute 1:40 of the vid)
Pros: She's got miraculously smooth flawless skin all over; she's got the body of a 20-something; and she's got the nerve to dress sexy at 68. 
Cons: She moves like she's wearing a back brace, looks like she's had a neck-ectomy, and has the frozen facial expression of that dead girl at the beginning of The Ring. Plus, she's got the nerve to dress sexy at 68. 

Pros: He's the hero of all his friends and family for getting more quality airtime on the Grammys than Prince. And being a celebrity for a day will probably translate into uber-confidence in the sack. 
Cons: Has that dorky, half-smiling, head-bopping, far-off look about him in bed too.

Pros: She'd probably be up for anything. And she's got that naughty come-hither look down. Plus, afterwards, she'd long for you, even if you went to jail; in fact she'd change her song lyrics to include your name as an act of love and solidarity. 
Cons: Goofy facial expressions, seizure-like limb movements and an inability not to pass out while doing it. 

Pros: Obviously loved and respected his recently deceased mama, what with the "Hey Mama" song and the "Mama" shaved into his hairdo, which usually translates into treating sex partners with love and respect, too. Plus, he singlehandedly got the Grammy show producers to run long with the line "It would be in good taste to stop the music" when he started talking about his mom during his acceptance speech, and that's the epitome of cool.
Cons: Ego the size of Texas ("I always tell Common, 'Like, man, you gotta time the album out better: you can't drop 'em  the same year as me. This is my award.'"), which usually means poor bedroom skills and a teeny weenie.


Those who can't do, teach. As sex advice columnists, we know that it's way easier to give advice than it is to take it. And we would never claim to be acrobats in the sack (in fact we've probably downright disappointed a few folks over the years). But it stands to reason that your sexual prowess is only as good as your sex advice.

This week, we look to sex gurus who go way back. And we're not talking just back to 1972 when those glorious illustrations of flowing locks, go-go boots and G-strings the size of Depends graced the pages of Alex Comfort's masterpiece (though we're sure that seems like ancient times to some of you). No, we're talking about those ancestors from one or two millennia ago who helped paved the long-and-windy way for two 21st-century gals to make a living writing about vibrators and male full-frontal fight scenes. (Excerpts from the collection "Sex Box: Man, Woman and Sex" except where otherwise noted.)

Hippocrates, a paper on orgasms, 400 B.C.
Pros: "During intercourse, once a woman's genitals are vigorously rubbed and her womb titillate, a lustfulness...overwhelms her down there, and the feeling of pleasure and warmth pools out through the rest of her body." We always like to hear men encouraged to engage in manual stimulation, as that's often a better route to her orgasm than intercourse.
Cons: "A woman feels pleasure right from the start of intercourse, through the entire time of it, right up until the moment when the man pulls out; if she feels an orgasm coming on, she ejaculates with him, and no longer feels pleasure. But if she feels no oncoming orgasm, her pleasure stops when his does." Oi vey. 

Vatsyayana, presumed author of the Kama Sutra, 100 A.D.
Pros: "Men who are well acquainted with the act of love are well aware how often one woman differes from another in her sighs and sounds during the time of congress. Some women like to be talked to in the most loving way, others in the most lustful way, others in the most abusive way, and so on. Some women enjoy themselves with closed eyes in silence, others make a great noise over it, and some almost faint away. The great art is to ascertain what gives them the greatest pleasure, and what specialties they like the best."
Cons: His bullshit penis enlargement schemes existed centuries before spam: "When a man wishes to enlarge his lingam, he should rub it with the bristles of certain insects that live in trees, and then, after rubbing it for ten nights with oils, he should agin rub it with the bristles as before." 

Burchard of Worms, Medieval Sexual Menu, 1012 A.D.
Pros: "Have you done what certain women are accustomed to do, that is, have you fornicated with your young son, that is to say, placed your sone above your 'indecency' and thus imitated fornication? If you have done this, you must do penance for two years on legitimmate holy days."
Cons: "Have you tasted your husband's semen in the hope that because of your diabolical deed he might burn the more with love for you? If you have done this, you should do penance for seven years on the legitimate holy days." Oral sex with your husbands results in a higher penalty than incest with your son?!?!?!

We can't really think of anyone we want to do this week--Britney continues to depress the shit out of our libido and manly-man McCain just makes us fear for the future of the Supreme Court and reproductive rights. And our "WWYD: The Quarterback Edition" stalled at "Uh, that guy Jessica Simpson is sleeping with...and was O.J. a quarterback?" So instead, we thought we'd let you vote on your favorite gratuitously-sexed-up Super Bowl ad ever...

1. Joe Namath says, "I'm so excited, I'm gonna get creamed!"--by Farrah Fawcett, no less, in the 1973 Super Bowl ad for Noxzema. Not the subtlest of double-entendres, but, hey, that's the '70s for you.

2. pokes fun at the controversy surrounding Janet Jackson's wardrobe malfunction while simultaneously providing all the sports fans with handfuls of T&A. A cheap shot, though we kind of like the closing line from the bench: "Those are not real."

3. Budweiser's "Wassup?!" guys. Kidding. But you know that at least three drunk frat boys that year got a laugh out of yelling "Wassup?!" right as they came.

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We may not get an Oscar ceremony this year, but we don't think the WGA would have a problem with any of these leading men taking a starring role in your fantasy, who would you do?

George Clooney. Pros: He's not opposed to the use of bedside accessories. And you could finally live out that "playing doctor" fantasy you've been nursing (heh) since nineties ER. Cons: It'd probably be kind of like bedding the captain of the football team in high school: good for brag value, but orgasmically unsatisfying. Why not just take him to prom instead?

Daniel Day-Lewis. Pros: He's a notorious method actor...hello, roleplaying! Cons: Could anyone who takes himself that seriously possibly be any good in bed?

Johnny Depp. Pros: We've always kind of loved those guys who get a tattoo of their girlfriend's name, even when it turns out to be a huge mistake. It's like the opposite of a pre-nup. Also, you just know he has a "ladies first" policy in the sack. Cons: He's prettier than you are.

Tommy Lee Jones. Pros: He went to Harvard. And he was Al Gore's roommate there. Also, he played football for Harvard. Cons: That was almost 40 years ago.

Viggo Mortensen. Pros: That cheerleader scene in History of Violence. That stair scene in History of Violence. That naked bathhouse fight scene in Eastern Promises. This man's been starring in your masturbatory fantasies for so long, isn't it about time you tried the real thing? Cons: If he doesn't live up to the fantasy, there goes some primo masturbation material.

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In honor of the Tom Cruise indoctrination video that's been making the rounds this week (making Cruise's couch-jumping episode look positively understated; also, nice black turtleneck, dude) and the new unauthorized Cruise bio by secret-Diana-BFF Andrew Morton, we present to you the Scientology edition of "Who Would You Do?"

Tom Cruise. Pros: If you're going to dive in, you may as well go for the uber-thetan. And you'll never quite forget him in those tighty whities in Risky Business. Cons: "Jumping the couch" is the new "jumping the shark." Also, he thinks psychiatry is "Nazi science," which probably means he also thinks it's "your fault" if you can't come during sex.

Beck. Pros: He's Beck. He was raised a Scientologist so it's not his fault so much. And maybe there's still hope for him? And he'd never make you have sex to his music. Cons: He's Beck--he might actually be able to convert you. Maybe he uses sex as a tool of evangelism.

Kirstie Alley. Pros: Um, there was that show Cheers. Operating Thetan Level 6. Cons: Look Who's Talking Too. Also, she's a role model for manic yo-yo dieters everywhere. And everyone knows that yo-yo dieting is the anti-orgasm plan.

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With the news this week that both Amy Fisher and Joey Buttaf-ew-co are peddling (or pretending not to peddle) separate sex tapes, it seemed the right time to ask you: If you had to be a guest star on any of these sex tapes--and you were guaranteed the privilege of destroying the only copy once it was a wrap--which one would you pick?

The former Long Island Lolita, Amy Fisher, and her husband. Pros: She's now legal. Cons: He sold the tape without her knowledge during a messy divorce, though they are now "working on their marriage." She's now legal.

• Joey Buttafuoco and his second wife Evanka pretend not to know that they're surrounded by cameras while screwing on a friend's bed during a party. Pros: Um...? Cons: Age has not been kind to this man.

• Dustin "Screech" Diamond holes up with a few women in a Mid-west hotel suite in a pathetic attempt to revive his career. Pros: Good kitsch value, it'd be like the eBay collectible item of sex tape experiences. Cons: A Dirty Sanchez was involved.

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Em & Lo, more formally known as Emma Taylor and Lorelei Sharkey, are the self-proclaimed Emily Posts of the modern bedroom.

Dr. Kate is an OB/GYN at one of the largest teaching hospitals in New York City.

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