Alison Tyler has edited more than forty-five books of erotica, but perhaps more impressive than that is the fact that she's been married for 15 years and says that her relationship is still "filled with extreme, kinky, varied, crazy, never-have-the-same-sex-twice sort of sex." For both feats, we reckon she deserves some sort of medal. Her latest book is Never Have the Same Sex Twice: A Guide for Couples, which features advice, stories from her own life,  plus some of her favorite erotica from over the years...

After 45 books of erotica, what made you decide to write a how-to book?
In a way, all of my collections are how-to's, sexy jumping-off points for readers who might want to "try this at home." If you flipped open G is for Games, you could be inspired to try your own version of sexy Twister, featured in Madelynne Ellis's "No Limits." (At least, you could be if you were me.) Or if you paged through Love at First Sting, you might just consider buying a handful of colored ribbons and tying up your partner, like in Sommer Marsden's "She Looked Good in Ribbons." Writing an actual guide was a natural next step.
You've been married for 15 happy, monogamous years. How was the sex changed over the years?
We got together in an incredibly steamy, succulent situation, and the sex has only gotten hotter. Right after we met, Sam left for six months of rescue work in the former Soviet Union. (When he said he was going to Georgia, I honestly thought, well, that's not too far away. I can visit. I didn't know he meant Georgia, the Republic of Georgia.) So we spent months emailing each other these ultra-decadent fantasies, and ultimately calling and spending $12 a minute to talk on a satellite phone. Pretty expensive phone sex.

I think the fact that we know each other so well now, and that we trust each other implicitly, is what makes the sex exciting. That and the bottle of Wesson oil by the bedside. ...

You talk a lot about being creative in bed--about not falling into tried and true habits. How can someone get over the laziness factor when they're just in the mood for comfort sex? (Or just in the mood for watching TV?!)
Climbing out of any rut takes an effort. However, unlike eating more fiber or tying on those worn-out Pumas, engaging in a night of excellent sex provides a much greater level of immediate enjoyment, running endorphins or no.
And for you personally, does it ever feel like homework--meaning, do you ever get home and just think, the last thing I want to do after thinking about sex all day is to work at my sex life right now?
Sex never gets old to me. What can I say? I have a high libido. Of course, the concept of doing my homework, sitting there in my red-and-black plaid school girl skirt, watching him lift that wooden ruler...wait, what was the question?

You must get asked this all the time, but we can't resist: What is the secret to having a great sex life after 15 years of marriage?
You don't need toys. You don't need tools. You don't need to be able to tuck your legs behind your ears, although, you know, that helps. The only thing required to having a frisky, risqué sex life is the willingness to be creative. To ask for what you want. To share your fantasies. To listen to your partner. I swear, the craziest sex we've had has been at the most unexpected times. Like when the fire alarm was blaring because dinner was burning, but we just couldn't stop. Or when we decided to play old records, and I got out "Ode to Billy Joe"'ll have to read about that time in Never Have the Same Sex Twice.
So, what does it mean to never have the same sex twice?
I have friends who are perfectly happy to be together, but who seem to have lost their enthusiasm for one another--that first fluttery sensation that felt so amazing. My goal when writing the book was to get readers to be bold enough to try new things. To use the closeness you have when you've been together forever (or for 15 years) and build on that. To me, "Never Having the Same Sex Twice" is a mindset for pushing boundaries. Knocking down walls. Exploring the new.

Did you read Lauren Slater's article ("Deepy, Truly (but Not Physically) in Love") in the New York Times Styles section recently?
Sad, sad, sad. I mean, her statement: "When all is said and done, there's not much to like. I mean, really: What is the big deal?"

To me, sex isn't just icing on the cake. It's the cake, and the table, and the candles burning on top, and the match you used to light the candles. Having a rocking sex life makes me dress sharper, stand up straighter, walk with that extra little sashay in my step.

Is it possible to "get the spark back" in a marriage by following your advice, or does the "never have the same sex twice" plan have to be preventive, i.e. you follow this plan so the spark doesn't go out in the first place?
I think you can always rekindle the lust in a relationship. There's no such thing as too late.
What would you say to a woman in a long-term relationship who says she just doesn't want sex as often as her guy does--he'd like it daily and she'd be happy with, say, once a month or so?
I think if the sex is unreal, if you wind up with your hair damp and that blush on your cheeks that doesn't come in any compact (not even Chanel), you're not going to be satisfied with once-a-month. But that's me. I see the world through sex-tinted glasses.
What advice would you give to a married man who loves his wife but struggles with the idea that he'll never sleep with another woman again? Is it possible to replace that kind of craving for variety by getting variety within a monogamous relationship, and if so, how?
If you want to be in a monogamous relationship, there are so many ways to keep the excitement alive. I understand the flush of the new, the rush of the first kiss--but for me, that newness pales to the thrill of being able to look at my man, after he's just turned my world upside down, and be totally, utterly speechless with pleasure. A stranger couldn't give me that.
What's your number one favorite sex tip?
When you wake up in the morning, tell your partner what you want to do to him or her--tonight. He or she will have all day to think, imagine, fantasize about what is going to happen. And you will, too. Anticipation is one of my favorite aphrodisiacs.

I have to admit, also, that I'm a voyeur. I like to hear what other people have to say. And a woman wrote in on my blog the other day, with her personal sex tip. I was floored. Check out my post here and click the comments to read her method for keeping the sex sizzling.

Ready to win your own copy of Never Have the Same Sex Twice? Then use the comments below to post your own favorite tip for preventing monogamy from turning into monotony. (Don't forget to include your email address if you want to win!) We'll accept entries until the end of December 2008 and will mail out the winning books in January.



While I think honest communication is key to getting what you want and spicing things up, my boyfriend and I like to surprise each other in the moment. That way, we never know what's coming, which keeps the newness factor/sex-with-a-stranger feeling very much alive. For example, a couple of months ago he started spanking me. We'd never done this before, but it turned me on immediately. Another time we were fooling around after I got out of the shower and suddenly he whipped off my bathrobe belt and tied me up. Recently, I flipped him over so I could be on top and pin him down. My next idea is to start stroking his perineum while I'm going down on him. These may not be the kinkiest of activities, but when they happen unexpectedly it keeps the sex hot and thrilling. Not to mention we both spend a lot of time thinking and planning our next move...

GirlWithGlasses said:

My favourite tip actually does not involve having more sex. My tip is communication.

Do sensual stuff together, like couple massage, go to a sex store to look around (like Babeland, very couple friendly), read erotica together, or my personal favourite cook something sexy (like something sweet with chocolate is a good bet).

Notice how none of these things involve just having more sex.

The point of these things is not the activity itself but the talking that is bound to happen during the activities. The doing stuff leads to the talking and the stuff gives you something to do other than sitting on a couch talking until there is an awkward pause then stopping. The activity forces you to finish. People who can talk and be honest during those activities can talk and be honest about sex and relationship related matters. When you talk about things there's no unnecessary tension and makes thing easy and relaxed.

Besides think of it this way, communication and relaxation are not only components to good sex but good relationships and both are easy to translate in and out of the bedroom. Add condoms (for safety) and lube (for slippery) and you too could be like Alison.

Lindsay said:

Role play seems the most obvious tip. See your SO noticing someone (librarian, pizza delivery person, doctor, hell- banker?!) - just slap on a costume and take on a new name and channel those energies for your mutual benefit. =)

K said:

cool post.

best tip? probably honesty and a creativity like the author said. I get bored easily so i like to have very blunt honest conversations with my partner to come up with ideas we haven't tried before.

MyOwnRules said:

Don't give in to the 'But I'm a (blank)' Myth. As in, But I'm a Mother or I'm a Grandmother or father, grandfather, whatever so I "shouldn't" do a certain position/act/etc. Yes, you may be a parent or grandparent, but you're also a husband or wife...and it's not something that involves your kids or grandkids (hopefully) so it has nothing to do with your role as their parent/grandparent.

Holly Page said:

My favorite tip is: make it safe to flirt. Of course, you have to be open with your partner about it and be respectful of each other's comfort levels. But flirting can be really exciting for both partners - the flirtee gets an ego boost from a relative stranger, and the observer gets to see how sexy his/her partner is in someone else's eyes. The sexual energy is easily harnessed in your own bedroom.

Regina Perry said:

What a great article. Alison Tyler claims she is not a teacher, but I can't tell you how much I've learned from her! I'm giving this book to my boyfriend for Christmas. It's time he started learning too. And I'm going to start with her Number 1 tip: Describe to him exactly what I want. What a novel idea! Blinded by the obvious, I guess. Thanks Alison. And thank you Em and Lo for your wonderful blog and bringing us articles like this!

rose said:

My partner and I enjoy the physical "do it because it feels good" sex - the creative stuff - but we've recently rediscovered the more intimate sex that comes with a long term relationship. We are in an open relationship and our experiences with our other partners have helped us get out of our rut and reignite our passion for one another. Can't wait to read some of these books! The spanking and tasting titles look sinfully delicious.


While I'm happy for her happiness, it's sadly evident that her "advice" is only applicable to people who don't have children. You can't really keep doin' it while dinner burns and the alarm is blaring once you have a toddler running around. Also, I'm curious if one of these "have great sex with the same person forever" endorsements ever came from a man. I've never seen one.

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