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 Hi Em and Lo, Is masturbating to pornography the same as cheating when you are involved in a loving relationship? I am a 44-year-old male living alone, and I have been separated for five years. Currently I am involved in a very open and loving relationship with a wonderful woman that I want to spend the rest of my life with. Our sex life goes beyond words in terms of it being complete and fulfilling for both of us; we are both very happy and take much joy in satisfying each other totally, often several times a day whenever we are together. Truly, we are happy and I love her with all my heart. Unfortunately, she does not approve of my occasional need to masturbate using pornography with visual media such as the Internet, videos, or magazines during those times when we are apart. I need this external visual stimulation of other women (and men) engaged in sexual activity to help me achieve my physical release. Truthfully, I have been masturbating to pornography ever since I achieved puberty, but I have always been faithful to whomever I was seeing at the time. In the case of our love life, my private interest in pornography has never stood in the way our intimacy, ever. I want to be sensitive to her feelings. She asks me, 'is she not enough for me?' To which I answer 'of course', as she is truly the woman of my dreams. I try to tell her that those 'images' do not mean anything to me other than a means to help me get off and she should not feel threatened or jealous by them. Personally, my conscience is clear, but she does not share my opinion that I need the (visual) help of pornography to masturbate. --My Mistress is Porn Dear MMiP, We're going to assume that your lady love is approximately the same age as you are, which means that we'll cut her a little slack, as she didn't come of age in an era when pornstar memoirs topped the bestseller lists and prepubescent girls wore fitted tees adorned with the Playboy Bunny logo. In other words, she's not yet learned that porn is not a mistress, it's just a business. This doesn't mean that we are going to agree with her in the slightest, however; it just means that we are going to be a little gentler when we tell her that she's totally, completely, and utterly wrong. We're not saying that every man should have carte blanche to ogle any kind of porn whenever and however he wants. Each relationship is different, and each man's relationship to porn is different. And there's a huge difference--at least, most women would see a huge difference--between rubbing one out to a Playboy centerfold and getting off on gang-rape porn. But both of your relationships--the one with your girlfriend and the one with your smut collection--sound healthy, balanced, and mature. It's not like you're prioritizing porn over sex with your One True Love, and it's not like it's affecting the amount of sex you're having with her. It's not even like she's ever gonna walk in on you wanking to a Web site if you only indulge when she's out of town. Unfortunately your porn habit is clearly affecting her, and it's time to nip this in the bud before it affects the way she enjoys sex with you. We don't think you should have to sacrifice your masturbation habit, but we don't want her sexual confidence to suffer, either, especially as it sounds like you're currently having such an awesome time in the sack. Try asking her if she's ever ogled a movie star on screen. Then explain to her that your, er, "appreciation" of the women of porn is no different: just a fleeting fantasy that has nothing to do with what you want out of a real-life woman. Make sure she knows that you don't wish she looked like any of the women you wank to--that part of the appeal is that they don't look like she does and most of the time they don't look like anyone you'd take home to meet your mama. (Sorry, pornstars, no offense, we're just trying to help out a lady in distress here.) And make sure she knows that you're an ethical consumer of porn--we're assuming you are, you sound like that kind of guy...and if you're not, now's a good time to start. This means that you're confident that everything on screen is consensual, of-age, and safe, and that no actual women were harmed in the making of the film. Seriously, most animals in Hollywood movies are treated better than your average pornstar, so make sure you're being a conscientious consumer. This is often enough to ease a woman's mind. Also, does she understand that your masturbation habit is just about scratching an itch? And that most men need a little visual stimulation in order to scratch that itch? You might want to suggest that she try masturbating next time you're apart from each other, either alone or on the phone with you. You can practice by masturbating in front of each other first. And, hey, maybe she'd feel better if she was part of your porn collection. Ask her if she'd be willing to pose for a few saucy photographs that she could leave with you for next time she's away. Or make your own home porno--you could always shoot from the head down if she's shy. We've said it before, and we'll say it again: monogamy can be a long, hard slog sometimes, and if we could only cut each other a little slack in the fantasy department, we reckon there'd be a lot less infidelity in this world. You're one of the good guys, MMiP--consider this a reference letter if your girlfriend can't see that yet. Kiss noise, Em & Lo P.S. For some more opinions on the issue at hand, check out our Impertinent Question video, Is Masturbating With Porn in a Relationship OK? 7 CommentsLeave a comment |
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Em & Lo, more formally known as Emma Taylor and Lorelei Sharkey, are
the self-proclaimed Emily Posts of the modern bedroom.
Dr. Kate is an OB/GYN at one of the largest teaching hospitals in New
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I'm sorry, but doesn't being in a serious relationship mean that you take the other person's feelings into account? Everyone has insecurities, and most people have insecurities others would call irrational. If you love someone, don't you try to reassure them? And this guy doesn't mention how he'd feel if she were getting off to watching other men. Wonder how much he'd like it. I think there's a double-standard when it comes to porn -- that its just acceptable behavior for men and women are just supposed to accept it, no matter how damaging it may be to their self esteem or sexual confidence within the relationship. And I think that's crap. And while I applaud the poster for being honest with his girlfriend, I don't think asking someone not to use photos or videos of other women to masturbate is so unreasonable.
"Taking the other person's feelings into account" and "reassuring them" doesn't mean yielding to their every demand or neurosis. Sometimes the anxious party needs to make a little effort to expand their comfort zone.
As for the "how would you like it if your woman got off to watching porn?" argument, uh, yeah. That'd be alright with most dudes. Who says it's just "acceptable behavior for men"? It's acceptable for women too.
I can understand why many women find porn distasteful, but if it really rocks a woman's boat to the extent that you're describing, I'd suggest that it's her self-confidence, and not his sexual interests, that need work.
Em and Lo are dead-on again (except I suspect it might not be the best idea for MMiP to tell his girlfriend that part of the reason he looks at porn is that he needs to look at women other than her - that might just hurt her feelings, even if it is completely normal and true).
As for CM's post, I have to agree with Johhny. I've only been in a few long-term relationships, but the first was with a girl that thought that men who looked even at Playboy had something wrong with them and that they were huge perverts. Her attitude was so detrmimental that it kind of fucked with my head for a while before she finally did me the favor of cheating on me and breaking up with me. Since then, I don't espouse the view she took, find nothing wrong with looking at/masturbating to porn (with the safety-consciousness espoused by Em and Lo) and every relationship has been better since.
Also, Johhny is not incorrect when he says that most guys would be fine with a woman masturbating to a fantasy of another guy. I was reading CM's post and when she questioned how MMiP would feel in that situation, my first thought was "Well, I certainly wouldn't give a s**t."
Like the ladies said, porn is not a mistress. It's fantasy, and it's healthy. Now excuse me while I go surf the web. : )
Johnny and AM, while I agree that it's unhealthy to cater to your partners' every neurosis, I don't think that it's unacceptable to expect your partner to care about your feelings. No one said this guy is catering to her every whim. It depends on the relationship. Additionally, I don't think I presented my feelings on the double-standard clearly. What I meant to highlight was that there was no mention of whether or not the poster would be okay with his significant other indulging in the same behaviour. I think that its an important aspect to highlight--what's good for the goose is good for the gander. I myself have been victim of that double-standard on more than one occasion.(So no, not all guys are ok with girls watching porn. Some guys feel threatened by the massive size sported by a good number of prominent sex stars.) In the same vein, lets look at guys and their reactions to sex toys. There are lots of men who feel threatened by womens' use of toys -- they feel replaced and inadequate. Funny, that's the same thing that the poster's significant other is complaining about.
Good point about the sex toys thing, CM. And for the record, we would a very similar reaction to someone who wrote in saying that their boyfriend wanted them to give up their sex toys. Goose, gander, and all that. In fact, if any women out there have ever come up against this kind of reaction to their toy collection--or if any guys have felt replaced and inadequate next to a woman's toy collection--then write to us at [email protected] and we'll answer that question in the next installment of our advice column! Though we guess it's not quite the same if you already know what we're going to say...
I know this is a bit late, but I completely disagree! I don't think the "era" the girlfriend is from is the issue. I'm 24 and I feel the exact same way as she. In my opiniong, "needing" to watch porn to aid in ejaculation sounds like a problem, especially since this has been a "habit" since puberty. Also, I don't think that ogling a movie star is quite the same thing as watching another individual having sex in order to ejaculate. Why do you even need this? If she is seriously "enough" for you then why do you not use your imagination of her in order to achieve ejaculation?
I agree. I'm 27 and don't think that my husband should need somebody else to ogle. I've posed for pics for him, we've shot a few videos, that should be enough for him. Ogling movie stars is an inadequate analogy. Would I want my husband to have the body of a movie star? Yes. Does he? No. Do I inevitably compare them? Yes. But do I actually masturbate to these bodies? No-I get enough sexual satisfaction from my non-movie-star-looking husband. But if a man looks at porn stars, he also does the inevitable comparison... and now it's not just looks, but also performance. I don't expect my husband to memorize the scripts that actors would and then perform them. But do men think "hey, my real-life partner can't do the things that porn starts can, or won't do them..." Bad all around. And now, women can't win. They're vilified for not accepting porn within a relationship. Besides, Em and Lo, I read in Glamour how your husbands said that you often don't follow the advice that you post on here. So since then, I take everything you say with a grain of salt. If you won't do it with your husbands, why are you telling me to do it? The same could apply to your attitude to porn. Didn't your husband make you cry by bringing up sex with an ex (as per the Glamour article)? What bothered you about it? Was it the thought of your husband getting off as a result of somebody else?