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Dear Em & Lo,

I've been dating this amazing guy who has just turned my world upside down for the better. Out and about, he's bright and funny and warm and kind. In the bedroom, he is attentive and focused and devotes an incredible amount of time and energy appreciating every inch of me.

Not to look a gift horse in the mouth or anything, but the caveat is that every inch of me is literally covered in bruises! Not hickeys, bruises
. They start out mouth-shaped and identifiably sex-markish, but eventually the edges fuzz out and I just look like I've been battered! Either way, it's terrible!

To avoid questions at work, I wear long sleeves and pants even in sticky July heat & humidity (and then I get questions anyway: "Aren't you hoooooot?"), but the bruises are unmistakeable when I'm running in shorts or swimming laps in a regular racing suit. I'm now running after dark, which isn't safe, and skipping my swims, which isn't satisfying and puts a crimp in my training program.

What to do? I don't really want him to STOP: it feels so good! I don't want anything between him and me to change. But I also don't want to dress for winter in summer heat or have people calling abuse hotlines on my behalf at the pool.

I did recently have a complete metabolic blood panel done as part of my annual physical, and everything (iron, platelets, etc.) seems fine, so it's not that I have some clotting disorder or anything like that. And I know there are people who have way rougher sex than he and I do. They must have ways around bruising so much. Right? Ugh.

Any insight or suggestions you can offer would be awesome.

Thanks,
Smitten, Bitten & Bruised in Brooklyn


Dear SBB,

Some people are prone to the black and blue. Tap Lo on the shoulder and she'll have a mark for a week. She once asked her doctor if she should worry, but since she's otherwise healthy he just shrugged and said, "You're a bruiser, BFD." (We're paraphrasing.) Just make sure you talk with your doctor directly about it to rule out any blood clotting problem or blood disease. Also, mention any medications or supplements you're taking, as some can cause you to bruise more easily.

Assuming you're okay, you need to accept that this is just part of your body now, like dark arm hair or cankles. It would be ridiculous to try to constantly hide such physical attributes that you don't like but can't really do anything about, so don't do it with the bruises either. We're all human, we all have imperfections, we're not living in the glossy airbrushed pages of a magazine. So no more turtlenecks or skipping swims!

The Mayo Clinic says if there's any swelling you can apply a cold compress and elevate the area. Then, once the swelling has gone down, applying a warm compress might help speed the fading of the bruise.

You could also ask your boyfriend to limit the places he's squeezing and sucking with such vigor. Definitely have him stay away from the face, for sure. Avoid the neck (though if you've got long hair you can wear down, he can indulge on the back of the neck). Lay off the lower arms and legs, so you can at least wear longish short sleeves and shorts.

Even though it's nobody's business, if you still feel like you owe people an explanation (you don't), you could pretend you're involved in some really intense recreational sport, like rugby or kickboxing or, best of all, paint ball.

But we think you should wear your bruises with pride. They're coming from such a positive place, why not embrace them? When people nosily ask, just tell them the truth: "What can I say? Amazing sex!" and leave it at that (and leave the inquirers green -- and brown and yellow -- with envy).

Black and blue and read all over,
Em & Lo


6 Comments

POAndrea said:

I'm a bruiser too and have found that there's just no way 'round it. Of course, I'm terribly clumsy and everyone already knows that, so I kinda have an explanation other than a tequila-fueled night of monkey love. (I've also learned to love the turtleneck. And arnica--it really helps the marks fade faster.)

Lolita Wolf said:

She can also get some Arnica from the health food store. The bruises will go away faster.

Take Vitamin E. Also cold compresses first 24 hours, hot after that.

Lux Alptraum said:

Two words: Arnica Gel.

You can get it at health food stores or online (Amazon has it: http://www.amazon.com/Boiron-Arnica-Gel-2-6-oz/dp/B000LD529K), and it works wonders to heal bruises. Roller derby girls (and pro dommes!) swear by it.

I think there's also an oral supplement made by the same company that helps prevent bruises, but I'm not sure.

said:

As others have said, Arnica works wonders.
When I get the "Aren't you hot?" question, my usual answer is "Well, I like to think so!"

Anathema said:

A friend of mine who's into some pretty heavy BDSM was nervous about going to a waxing appointment with her entire lower body covered in bruises and welts. We told her to just smile and say, "I had a lot of fun getting them." Of course, this is San Francisco, so the waxer didn't even raise a (well shaped) eyebrow.

said:

Hi, there-- I wrote the question.

Update: I was already relying on arnica gel and salves, which cuts my healing time in half (and yes, lux, boiron makes an oral homeopathic arnica pill as well-- i never did figure out how to get the damn pills out), but they still take about 2 weeks to heal, and there's always a fresh round of bruises, so...

So I plumbed nutritional sciences journals and medical textbooks and of course the internet and those giant books about vitamins in the Whole Foods supplements section, and I learned that B-complex vitamins, calcium and vitamin K all have a big part in the clotting of blood & healing of bruises. Exercise, b/c it supports the oxidation and turnover of cells, can help expedite healing of bruises, too. I also learned that both garlic and ginger (which I looove) can thin the blood and make a bruiser even more of a bruiser, so I've tempered my intake of those particular foods. We also noticed that my torso, chest and back will bear red bite marks for about 4 hours after being bitten... but that the marks won't typically become bruises at all! Safe Zone! Yay!

So... we still bite and scratch each other to pieces, and there's even less I can do about scabbed-over scratch marks than the bruises, but I'm at a point of happy So Whatness about it. I eat well, I continue to be active, and if I have something coming up where I don't want people to be distracted by marks on my arms or legs, we just keep things to the "safe areas" for a few weeks beforehand.

This was such a great thing to learn to manage. I mean, yeah, there are still marks, but they're not as obvious or long-lasting anymore. And yeah, your "BFD" about sums it up for me lately! Thanks!

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Em & Lo, more formally known as Emma Taylor and Lorelei Sharkey, are the self-proclaimed Emily Posts of the modern bedroom.

Dr. Kate is an OB/GYN at one of the largest teaching hospitals in New York City.

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